


Graceless

by April94anne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-24 08:06:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 26,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1597661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/April94anne/pseuds/April94anne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place after 9x21. Something is making Castiel sick, so Team Free Will is running out of time to stop Metatron- before Cas is beyond saving. Dean meanwhile, is struggling with accepting himself after what he's done under the power of the Mark of Cain, and learning to realize that Cas still likes him anyway. That Cas more than likes him anyway. And Dean eventually figures out that Castiel isn't the only one who's fallen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my very first fic... So I am pretty nervous about this, but I am hardcore Destiel and dedicated to making this as believable and fantastic as possible. Constructive criticism is welcome. I'm not sure how fast I will be uploading chapters, but I will go as fast as I can while still maintaining quality writing... I will upload chapters as I finish them. Not sure how long this will be, I'm just kinda seeing where it takes me :)

Dean is jolted out of sleep to the sound of ringing. Sam groans loudly as Dean looks to the clock on the nightstand- 3:14 A.M. He picks up his phone and see's 'Cas' light up on the caller ID. _If it were anyone else_ , he thinks.

"What?" he answers, still groggy from sleep. He hears a grunt on the other end of the line and Castiel inhales shakily.

"Dean." Cas says weakly. "Something's happened. Something's gone wrong, I can't-" Cas cuts off and he hears more groaning in the background.

"Cas? Cas, you there? What happened?" Dean asks getting out of bed. A cold fear settles into his heart as he waits for a reply, and Sam sits up and looks at him, concerned.

"I am going to lose consciousness now Dean, goodbye" The line goes dead and Dean is already in action, tossing his things into his duffle and shoving on his pants.

"Come on Sammy, get up. Do we still have the GPS on Cas's phone?"

Sam blinks back the cobwebs from sleep, the fear in Dean's voice driving him to sit up. "Yeah, is he alright?"

Dean zips up his duffle and grabs the keys to the Impala and looks at Sam. "I think he's been hurt. Bad."

Sam looks confused. "But he's an angel, he'll just heal himself."

Dean shakes his head. "He said something's wrong. He passed out, Sammy."

"Shit." Sam jumps out of bed and grabs his own bag. "Let's go."

Dean nods at him and they head out the door.

* * *

 

The GPS leads them to an abandoned farmhouse about an hour away from where their motel was. They grab flashlights on their way out of the Impala and shine them towards the fields. Dean cringes as the flashlight illuminates the scene. It looks like a warzone. There are fragments of tractors strewn throughout the field, singed earth and soot covering the barn and equipment. Puddles of blood saturating the crops, painting the scene and filling Dean with dread. Bodies of fallen angels were scattered throughout the chaos. Sam and Dean searched the field, shining a light on each face, trying to find the one with the brilliant blue eyes staring back at them.

Dean is looking into the face of yet another unknown angel when Sam calls out. "Dean! Over here."

Dean grabs his flashlight and books it over to where Sam is kneeling.

"Cas?" Dean calls. As he gets closer he sees the large puddle of blood coming from a large stab wound that Sam has covered with his shirt, in the angel's stomach.  _He's not moving_ Dean realizes as he kneels down next to him. "Cas!" he says again grabbing his trench coat and hauling him into a sitting position.

"He's still breathing, but you're right, he's not healing," says Sam going to hold him up from behind.

Dean reaches his hand out and slaps Cas in the face. "Come on buddy, time to wake up, time to go."

"You got any water to pour on his face or something?" Sam asks, looking worriedly to Dean.

Dean pulls a flask out of his back pocket and sprinkles it on Castiel's face. "Come on Cas, wake up. WAKE UP!" 

Castiel makes a small noise and twitches away from the stream of whiskey onto his face. He opens his eyes and takes in the scene.

"Cas?" Dean asks. "You in there?" The angel stares blankly at him.

"I am Castiel, angel of the lord, and you will unhand me now." Castiel tries to stand up and winces as the wound in his chest starts to bleed again. He looks down and sees the blood coming from under Sam's hands. "What have you done to me? Why am I not healing? Witches..." Castiel is panicking now, trying to move away from the brothers, and failing miserably under the blood loss. "Witches have no power over the lord!" Cas's hand reaches up to Dean's face, as if trying to smite him, only to find that he can't- causing the angel to panic further.

Dean grab's Castiel's hands and steadies him, "Hey Cas. Cas, look at me!" He turns the angel's face towards his own. "It's just us, it's Dean. And Sam over there," He nods in Sam's direction. "We're gonna help you." 

Castiel stills and his eyes go blank.

"Cas?" Dean shakes him. "Cas stay with us."

Castiel looks at Dean. "Dean. Why are you shaking me?"

Sam laughs and Dean gives a sigh of relief. "Cas man, what the hell happened? And why aren't you healing?"

Castiel looks down at Sam's bloodied hands covering his stomach. "I had set up a meeting with one of Metatron's followers, to see if I could get some insight into his operation. It was a trap, we were outnumbered. My... My 'mojo' as you call it, seems to not be working." He closes his eyes. "I am not feeling the greatest."

Dean leans back and pocket's his flask. "Alright Cas, we're gonna get you up, alright? We're gonna get you back to the bunker and fix you right up, you're going to be fine, okay? Don't worry." Dean lifts Cas's arm over his shoulder and nods to Sam who is doing the same on the other side. They lift him up and start heading towards the Impala.

"I am not worried, Dean. I am with you."                                        (BOOM Harry Potter quote! Okay I'm sorry for interrupting, author out, carry on)

 


	2. Bad Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I guess I'm going for a chapter a day...? Maybe, lol. This chapter is a little longer than the last one, but I guess this is about the size of chapter I'll have- who knows, maybe one day I'll post a couple chapters to make up for the short length. Anyway... yeah :)

They had gotten back to the bunker around 8 that night, and fixed Castiel up best they could. He was out cold in a spare room with some bandages on his wound. Then, exhausted from being up since 3 in the morning, Sam and Dean had gone straight to bed themselves.

Dean woke to a bang coming from the room next to his- Cas's room. He slowly slides out of bed to go check out the noise when he hears groaning- and then he's running. He bursts into Castiel's room to find him on hands and knees next to his bed, vomiting on himself. Castiel lifts his head up to Dean, a wild look of fear on his face before throwing up again on his lap. Dean kneels down next to him and rubs his back soothingly, swallowing down the lump of fear that had formed in his throat. 

"Alright Cas, I'm gonna get you up and set you in the shower, kay?" Castiel nods at him, a look of helplessness on his face. As he throws up again, Sam pokes his head into the room.

"Oh god," Sam looks at Dean, still trying to maneuver Cas towards the bathroom. "What do you need?"

Dean exhales loudly, "Can you just.. Can you figure out what could make an angel sick? I got this, but we need to figure out what's going on- _now_." Sam nods and hurries back out the door.

Dean turns back to Cas who is breathing heavily and shaking a little. "Come on, up on three, okay? One... Two... Three," He lifts Cas up by his arms and helps him into the adjoining bathroom. He positions Cas over the toilet while he turns the shower on and waits for it to get warm. Dean waits patiently as Cas finishes his next bout of vomiting before hoisting him up and settling him down in the tub, back towards the wall, face turned towards the drain. Cas sits there for a while, letting the water wash away the bile from his pajama bottoms. Dean flushes the toilet and settles down onto the lid.

"Cas... What happened? I mean I don't consider myself an expert on all things angel, but I know this is not normal. Did anything happen? Did someone do this to you?"

Castiel blinks through the running shower at Dean. "I..." A blank look returns to Castiel's face, and he smiles. "There was a boy there once. He liked to eat the flowers."

Dean's stomach drops. "...Cas?" 

Castiel looks back to Dean, as if just realizing he was there. "You have green eyes. The boy had brown eyes, like the mud he liked to sit in." He tilts his head to the side, his brow furrowing. "Are you the boy? How did you change your eyes? Stealing eyes is not a nice thing to do, the Lord will not be happy with you. I.. I think I know him. Do you know the Lord, green eyed boy?"

Fear holds Dean frozen, listening to the angel who is losing his mind.

"I think I know the Lord...." Castiel's eyes flutter closed and his head lolls onto his chest, succumbing to sleep.

* * *

 

Castiel opens his eyes to find himself back in bed, dry and vomit free. Hearing Cas stir Dean, who is reading in a chair at the foot of the bed, looks up.

".. Cas?" He asks tentatively- not sure if he would get the Cas he has come to call family, or the rambling dedicated angel of the Lord who has been showing up in his place.

"Dean." Castiel sits up.

Letting out a breath he hadn't known he was holding, Dean sets his book down. "What's the last thing you remeber?"

Cas furrows his brow in thought. "I had been vomiting... You helped me to the shower and... And.." Cas looks up, alarmed. "And then I was opening my eyes in this bed. Did something happen, Dean?"

Dean sighs, "Thought as much. You started talking about a boy who ate flowers... Nonsense. And you didn't know who I was." Dean lets out a shaky laugh, "You thought I stole somebody's eyes."

Cas looks away, tying to hide his worried expression.

"Cas-" Dean starts. "First you lose your mojo- and stop healing yourself. Then I wake up in the middle of the night to find you puking your guts out all over yourself. You start forgetting who I am and talking nonsense, and you have a fever of over 104. What the _hell_ is going on?"

Castiel's hands start fidgeting, playing with the blanket, refusing to look at Dean. "I am fine. We must defeat Metatron, that is the task at hand- we can not get side tracked by unimportant matters. If we can find the angel I was supposed to meet with last night, we may be able to get him to tell us where Metatron is hiding. After what happened with Abaddon... If we can get you close enough, I think you may be strong enough to defeat him." Cas swings his legs out of the bed and attempt to stand up- only to collapse right back down onto the bed.

"Whoa whoa whoa, you can't even stand, and you want to go up against the biggest and most powerful angel dick we've heard of?" Dean pushes Castiel back down into the bed. "No- the important thing now is making sure you stay alive. Because right now, you are showing all the signs of being human. And a human with this level of temperature and throwing up... Well for a human, they would die. So you sit your ass back down and tell me what the hell is going on with you so I can fucking fix it!" Dean glares into Castiel's blue eyes, which he has finally turned towards Dean.

Castiel sighs. "My grace."

Dean raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"My grace. Or more accurately, not my grace... Grace is not meant to be stolen, it is made for one specific angel. It seems the infection from this grace is getting worse. I was hoping to defeat Metatron before encountering this problem. Which is why, it is of the utmost importance that we do not delay in finding my contact withing Metatron's inner circle."

A wave of anger rolls through Dean. "Your grace? That grace is slowly killing you, and you didn't think that was important enough to mention? Cas you could DIE-" His voice breaks a little on that word, "And all you can think about is stopping Metatron? Well I'm sorry you'd rather be dead than one of us weak little humans, but I'll tell you what, you are more useful as a damn human than you are dead. So you are going to tell me how to get that grace out of you, and then Sam and I are going to find Metatron our damn selves . We don't need a half dead angel to protect us. We've stopped more apocalypses than we can count, we can take on one douche angel with an oversize ego, and we can do it  _without_ you killing yourself, do you understand me?" 

Castiel has shrunk back into the bed as Dean yells at him. "Yes Dean."

"Good." Dean shoots out of the chair, knocking it over, and storms out, slamming the door behind him.

Dean stalks down the hallway, anger roiling off of him in waves.  _Thinks ganking Metatron is more important than anything- more important than his damn life. Just because he doesn't think he's any good doesn't give him the fucking_ right _to decide that for everyone. He's fucking family. And he was just gonna gank Metatron, and then walk off into the sunset- not even bothering to tell anyone that it would kill him._ Dean turns and punches the wall. He barely even registers the pain. Sam walks around the corner.

"Dean? Did he tell you anything? Or is he still..." Sam cuts off, unsure how to put  _completely fucking insane_ delicately, and notices the blood dripping from Dean's hand. "What-"

Dean cuts him off, "His stolen grace is killing him. He wanted to gank Metatron before it killed him but I guess the grace had other plans." Dean clenches his fists and brushes past Sam.

Sam turns to follow Dean, "Okay, so how do we-"

Dean turns the corner into the entry, "Ask the martyr in there." And Dean walks out of the bunker, slamming the door behind him- leaving a very confused and worried Sam staring after him.

 


	3. You Don't Leave Family

Dean had been gone almost 8 hours now. It was well past midnight, and Sam wasn't one to get worried at his brother blowing off some steam, but it would probably be best if they removed Castiel's infectious grace sooner, rather than later. Dean wasn't picking up his phone, and Castiel was only getting worse. He had started throwing up again about an hour ago, and he was so weak he could barely life his head. Sam tries Dean one more time before finally turning to Cas.

"Alright Cas, I think we need to do this now."

Castiel's eyes flutter open and he peers at Sam. "Dean?" The little effort it took to say that one word sends Castiel into a coughing fit.

Sam shakes his head, "We can't wait for him any more. We need to get that grace out- now."

Castiel nods weakly, wiping the sweat off his face. Sam grabs the angel blade he had set out on the nightstand, and his fingers close around the vial he has waiting in his coat pocket. Sam brings the blade up to Castiel's neck and gives a apologetic look. "You ready?"

Castiel opens his eyes and smiles weakly up at Sam. "Alright- One.... Two-" Sam slides the blade across Castiel's neck and winces at Castiel's sharp intake of breath. He brings the vial out from his pocket and holds it up to the cut. A slimy black substance beings to slowly ooze out and make its way towards the vial. As the last of the black substance fills the vial, Sam caps it and set it aside, looking expectantly towards the once again former angel. "..So? How do you feel?"

As if in reply, Castiel opens up his mouth and a splattering of blood pours out. Sam jumps up alarmed and grabs the trash can from the bedside and holds it up to Castiel's mouth. Cas is hacking and spluttering, blood pouring out in large spurts, leaving the poor guy breathless and pale. After about 3 minutes of blood spewing from his mouth, Sam sitting hopelessly next to him holding Castiel and the trash can up, Cas takes one last shuttering breath before passing out from the blood loss. Sam is up and out of the room in seconds, heading towards the supply room and whipping out his cell phone. He dials Dean and once again, gets his voicemail.

"Dean, it's Sam again. I took out the grace, but Cas is still getting worse. A lot worse, I don't know how much longer he can hold out like this. And he- shit, do you know his blood type? He's lost a lot of blood and fuck. Dean, I could really use your fucking help right now, do something useful while you're out and bring a fucking doctor back with you, will ya?" Sam snaps his phone shut and chucks it to the side, frustrated with not knowing what to do. The grace is out- why is Cas still getting worse? He grabs some blood and an IV kit and runs back toward Castiel's room.

* * *

 

About an hour later Sam hears the door to the bunker banging open. Sam gets up from his place at Castiel's bedside and goes to meet Dean. Sam is ready to give Dean the best bitch face he can muster, but when he sees Dean walk around the corner, eyes wide with terror, all of his earlier anger dries up.

"What happened?" Dean gets out, voice cracking a little. "Is he..."

Sam puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, "I got some blood into him and some fluids. He's fine for now, but... He's not looking good. Dean, when the grace came out, it was black. I think it was too late by the time I got it out, I think the infection had gotten too far."

"No. No, Cas is going to be fine, the bad grace is out, he just needs some time to heal- he's human now, that stuff takes time. He's gonna be fine."

Sam gives Dean a weak smile and steps aside so Dean can go see him. Dean brushes by and heads into Castiel's room, closing the door behind him.

* * *

Dean closes the door and turns to look at Cas. He looked so small, lying there sleeping, pale and covered in a layer of sweat, with all these wires and tubes coming from him. Dean walks over to him and takes a seat next to him that Sam had been previously occupying. Dean reaches out his hand, stops, and ends up patting Castiel's hands before retreating his arm to his lap, clenching around his other hand. 

"Dammit, Cas." He sighs. "This is your fault, you know. If you hadn't... If you had  _told_ us, we could have helped you, could have stopped you, stopped the infection from getting this far. You knew it was killing you... Were you just gonna up and die- and leave us wondering what the hell happened to you? Were you even gonna tell us? What in the hell were you thinking? You had to have known that was not okay, that's why you didn't tell us, right? Or is it really so bad to be human that you really would rather be dead?" Dean runs a hand over his face. "Do we really mean that little to you, that you would just leave us without a second thought? Without telling us?" Dean spots the vial of black ooze lying on the bedside table. He picks it up and hurls it into the corner, the vial making a satisfying crash as it shatters. "I need you, Cas." Dean's voice breaks, "You can't just leave. Not you, too. I've lost too many people to this fight, there's no way in hell I'm gonna let it take you too. Do you hear me? You do not get to die. You do not get to give up. You get to stick it out here with the rest of us human schmucks. We're your family. You do not just leave family." (A/N: unless you are Adam) Dean looks at Castiel's sleeping face and sighs, leaning back in his chair. He closes his eyes, exhausted. He had been up for more than 24 hours now, taking care of Cas and out blowing off steam at a bar.  _I won't let you die_ , he thinks before drifting off to sleep.


	4. Flight of the Honey Bee

It's been two days since Sam took the stolen grace out of Cas, and while his condition had stabilized, he was still deteriorating. Just at a much slower, much less noticeable rate. He was able to walk around, as long as he stayed hooked up to his IV. They had all kind of developed a sort of rhythm around it, switching off roles of taking care of Cas and then being out hunting down Cas's Metatron lead. Castiel was lucid less and less often now, wandering around the bunker talking about flowers, and the damn bees again. 

Dean is washing dishes in the sink when Castiel walks in. "Hey Cas, I made you some more soup, think you can actually keep it down this time?" 

Castiel tilts his head and smiles at Dean. "Did you know a honey bee can fly up to 15 miles per hour? They like the wind." Castiel walks over to the bowl of soup next to Dean and stares at it, frowning. "Bees do not like to swim. This would be inappropriate to present as a gift for them." Cas grabs a spoon and begins to investigate the soup. Dean's brow is furrowed in thought when Sam walks in.

"Dean." He stops, spotting Cas talking to the bowl of soup, and splashing in it. "He gone again?"

Dean gives a small nod. "Apparently soup's not an appropriate gift for a honey bee."

Sam raises his eyebrows, "Man, he really likes bees."

Dean shakes his head, "What's up? You find something?"

Sam holds up a book in his hands. "There is nothing in any of these books about stolen grace. I think we're a little out of our depth here, Dean. I mean, we didn't even know angels existed until Cas showed up, it's not like we have a ton of information on them just sitting around. I think we need a primary source." Just then Sam's phone rings, and he turns around to answer it.

Castiel is staring at Dean. Dean turns to face him. "What's up buddy, you eating your soup? Why don't you sit down, don't want you puking up this meal too."

Castiel tilts his head while continuing to stare at Dean. "Your eyes contain stars."

Dean just blinks at him, and then before he knows what's happening, Cas is closing the distance between him and planting his lips right on Dean's. Dean freezes, completely shocked- and before his mind catches up with what just happened, Cas is pulling away and bringing his bowl of soup to the table. He sits down happily and hums as he begins eating.

Dean still has an expression of shock frozen into his face when he notices Sam has stopped talking and is just staring at him, open mouthed, with the phone up to his ear. Sam snaps out of it first and continues his conversation. "Yeah, Garth I'm still here. We'll check it out, thanks." Sam hangs up the phone and clears his throat. "So, Garth thinks he has a location of Cas's missing Metatron contact..." 

Dean springs into action. "I got this one, you stay here, look after bee boy over here." Dean rushes out of the kitchen, moving well around Castiel and avoiding eye contact.

Castiel looks over to Sam, a frown on his face. "Storm clouds are dark. They are my storm clouds?" He asks Sam.

Sam gives Cas a sympathetic look. "No, no, he just, he uh.. He's your friend, right? And the um, what you did, the kissing.. That is not something that friends do. Just, don't do that again, and give him some time, he'll come around. He know's you're not in your right mind." Cas looks dejectedly down at his soup, and begins making a buzzing sound. Sam gives him one last glance before going after Dean.

He finds Dean in his room, packing up his duffel. "Dean-" He starts.

"How far am I going, Sammy? One night? two? seven? What are we talking here?"

Sam closes the door and leans against it, crossing his arms. "Dean. I think you hurt his feelings. He thinks you're mad at him."

Dean zips up his duffel and turns around. "I'm not mad, just- He'll forget about it in a day anyways, okay? Just drop it."

Sam shakes his head and moves off of the door so Dean can get by. "He thought he was being friendly. He doesn't know what he's doing, okay? Lighten up on him."

Dean yanks the door open. "You think I don't know that, Sammy? I get that, I'm not mad. It just goes to show how far gone he really is." 

Dean walks back out towards the living area, Castiel curled up on one end of the couch. Castiel looks up and notices the bag in Dean's hands. "Dean."

Dean turns to look at him, and see's the rare show of lucidity in his eyes. "Hey man, welcome back."

Castiel gives a small smile and nods towards Dean's bag. "You going?"

Dean nods, "Garth got us a lead on your inside man. I'll drag his ass back here, be back in a couple days."

Cas stands up and moves towards a file cabnet next to Dean. As he nears, Dean flinches away from him. Castiel frowns, and opens the top drawer, pulling out his angel blade. He offers it to Dean, who unconsciously takes a step away from Cas. Castiel's frown deepens. "I thought this may be of use to you... In your interrogations." 

Dean reaches behind his back and pulls the first blade out from his waistband. "I think I'm covered on that front, thanks." He goes to put it back into his waistband.

"Are you sure you should still be using that? The mark of Cain is not something to use lightly, it's best to only use it when the situation has no other solution." Cas tries offering the angel blade again.

Dean laughs, "Yeah, like you letting some stolen grace almost kill you, I guess that was the only solution to this problem. I think I've got this under control, Cas. I don't need any of your help."

The look of hurt on Castiel's face causes Dean to soften. "Look, I'm fine, alright? I can handle it. I'll be back in a few days with this inside guy of yours, and we'll be one step closer to stopping Metatron." Dean moves in as if to hug Castiel goodbye, thinks better of it, and ends up giving him an awkward pat on the shoulder. Dean turns and walks out of the bunker.

Cas goes to sit back down on the couch and sees Sam standing in the doorway. Castiel sighs, "He is not happy with me."

"Can you blame him? You were killing yourself for this, and you weren't even going to tell us."

Castiel looks down at his hands, and Sam shakes his head. "He'll come around, he just needs time. In the meantime, you know what would help?" Castiel looks back up at Sam. "Not dying would help. We need to find an angel who knows how to cure stolen grace poisoning."

Castiel brightens. "Sam, there is something I have not told you from my time imprisoned by Metatron...."


	5. Let Him Lie

Only a few minutes after telling Sam that Gabriel was alive, Castiel's eyes went blank and the lucidity left him. Sam keeps giving nervous glances Castiel's way as he creates a ring of holy oil. He steps back and takes a breath.

"Alright. This is Sam Winchester, praying to the angel Gabriel.... Just, if you could get down here and stop playing dead, that would be great. Your- your brother, Castiel, needs your help. So if you could..." 

"Oh brother," Sam jumps and whips around to find Gabriel standing behind him- and very outside the circle of holy oil- tsking and shaking his head. "What have you done?"

Castiel looks gravely towards Gabriel. "There will be no posies in the gardens."

Gabriel looks to Sam, "He has completely lost his marbles. And-" Gabriel sniffs the air. "And human! HA!" Gabriel laughs. "I thought you had gotten your mojo back and were supposed to be leading some cult of angel followers to rule heaven?"

Castiel frowns sadly, "The posies have been rotted."

Gabriel walks over to Castiel and puts his hand sympathetically on his shoulder. "That's right brother. Someone has come and crushed all the posies, plucking the petals one by one until they were left screaming in the dirt."

Castiel's eyes widen in horror, and he starts crying.

Sam swats Gabriel away from Cas and sits down on the couch, his arm around Castiel's shoulders. He looks up at Gabriel, "Quit crushing the spirit of the guy losing his mind. Can you help us or not?"

Gabriel gestures towards the ring of holy oil, feigning offense. "And why would I help you? You just tried to trap me in a ring of flaming holy oil! I mean I- That really hurts my feelings, Sam. After all we've been through." Gabriel shakes his head.

Sam grits his teeth. "Fine, don't do it for us. Do it for him," He gestures towards the crying ex angel in his arms. "He's dying. He's your brother, and he's dying. And I think you owe him one for making him sob like a hormonal pregnant woman."

Gabriel's face turns serious. "I wish I could help, kiddo, I really do. But Cas here knew what he was getting into when he took that grace in the first place. There is no way to cure grace poisoning. Not by modern medicine, or spell or even angel magic. Stealing another angel's grace is, well that's just wrong. There is no cure, and he will die."

Sam swallows down the lump in his throat. "There's got to be something... A loop hole. A- A....Something, there's got to be something. We can't just sit back and watch him die!"

Gabriel lifts his palms up, "There's nothing you can do. Castiel knew the bed he was picking when he got into it. Now it's time to just let him lie."

Sam looks down and clutches the now whimpering Cas closer, and begins rubbing his back. He goes to look back to Gabriel to protest some more, to find that the archangel has already disappeared. Sam glances back down to Castiel, who has fallen asleep, and wonders just how the hell he is going to tell this to Dean.

* * *

 

Four days have passed since Gabriel crumbled all of Sam's hope of saving Castiel. Dean had just called to say he was on his way back- angel informant in tow. Sam goes into Castiel's room to check on him. He was sleeping peacefully, a nice change from an hour ago when he had been spewing up blood and bile again. He closes the door on his way out, walking into the entry to find Dean walking in, dragging along a bloodied and handcuffed angel behind him. Sam follows him to the dungeon where they kept Crowley while they had him kept as prisoner. Dean buckles the angel into the chair and glances back at Sam.

"How is he?" Satisfied with the angel's binds, Dean turns to leave the room, heading towards the kitchen.

Sam sighs, he still has to tell Dean what Gabriel said. "Not good. He's been throwing up blood again, and he can barely keep down soup anymore.... I don't know how much longer he has, Dean."

Dean pulls open the fridge and reaches for a beer, when Castiel stumbles into the kitchen, IV rack in tow. His eyes widen as he spots Dean. "Dean," He breaths.

Dean lifts his beer in greeting. "Hey, buddy. You been here the whole time?" Dean asks referring to Castiel's mental state. Cas looks to Sam, not knowing how long it has been since he was last aware.

Sam shakes his head, "This is the first time he's been here since a few minutes after you left."

The tendons in Dean's hands tighten as he holds back his anger. "Any new leads on how to cure stolen grace?"

Sam glances nervously between Dean and Castiel. "About that... Dean.."

Dean meets Sam's gaze and holds it. "What? Come on Sam, you know something, you have to tell me. Just spit it out."

Sam closes his eyes and absentmindedly runs a hand through his hair. "When Cas was being held by Metatron, he found out that Gabriel was still alive."

Dean waits for Sam to continue. "By the look on your face I'm guessing there's a whole lot more to this story." Dean takes a long pull of his beer.

Sam fidgets uncomfortably under Dean's gaze. "We- I summoned him here. He said-" Sam's brow creases with worry as he looks at Dean. "Dean, he said that there is no way to cure him. He says that stealing grace is not meant to be done, and that in doing so it secures the death of the person stealing it.... There's nothing we can do." Sam shrinks back, waiting for Dean to react.

Dean is standing there, staring straight ahead, fists clenched. The empty bottle of beer still in his hands shatters under his grip. Sam jumps up to look at Dean's hand. "Shit, Dean there is ton of glass stuck in there." He looks up to Dean's face, which is still frozen in place, eyes staring straight ahead. Sam sighs and runs out of the room to grab tweezers and antiseptic.

Cas takes an unsteady step towards him. "Dean?"

Cas's movement seems to snap Dean out of his trance. Dean meets his gaze, see's the despair and hopelessness in the ex angel's eyes. His hands clench into fists, causing more blood to escape from his injured hand. He brings his arm back, and punches Castiel square in the face. The force of his punch sends him reeling back onto his ass. Cas coughs at the impact, and turns onto his side as some blood comes up. Dean lifts his foot up, steps over him, and walks back into the dungeon, slamming and locking the door behind him.

Sam walks back into the room carrying a first aid kit. He spies Castiel on the floor, the beginnings of a black eye starting to form on the left half of his face. Sam drops down to help Castiel sit up. Sam gets him up onto a chair and joins him at the table, pulling out an ice pack from the first aid kit. Handing it to Cas he asks, "Where'd he go?"

As if in response, a loud screaming is heard from the dungeon, the angel screaming for Dean to stop, to please stop, oh god. His pleas turn into incoherent screams and Sam stands up to grab a beer from the fridge. He offers one to Cas, he gladly takes it. Sam rejoins him at the table, and they clink their beers, leaning back into his chair to take a sip. He closes his eyes and sighs, picturing himself on a beach- somewhere warm, as he waits for the screams to stop.


	6. Stay With Me

Dean bursts out of the dungeon 20 minutes later, holding the first blade which is dripping with blood. Sam and Castiel look up at him from their spot at the kitchen table.

"We got a hit on Metatron, but we have to go  _now._ Chances are he already knows we're onto him."

Sam jumps up, "What about Cas? He can't stay here by himself."

Dean shrugs, "Sure he can. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself for a few hours, can't you Cas?"

Castiel attempts to stand up. "I want to help."

Dean laughs, "Yeah well, maybe you should have thought of that before giving yourself a death sentence."

Cas looks like Dean has just punched him again. Dean just shrugs and says, "Come on Sammy, you coming or am I flying solo on this?"

Sam casts a worried look to a dejected looking Castiel before answering. "No, I'm coming." He pats Castiel on the back before hurrying after Dean towards the weapons room.

* * *

 

Sam tightens his grip on the angel blade as they pull up to a dark building. It's about 5 stories high, tall and narrow, in the middle of nowhere- farmland surrounding it as far as the eye can see. Where Sam's eyes contain determination mingled with some stark cold terror, Dean's show anticipation and blood lust. Sam really does not like what that damned blade is doing to him. Maybe he can convince him to give it up after they take down Metatron. Dean pulls the Impala to a stop. 

Sam takes a deep breath and looks over at Dean. "You ready?"

Dean grins, "I've been ready for months, Sammy." He swings out of the car, the first blade clenched in his fist. Sam reluctantly follows, angel blade ready in his own hands.

They walk up to the door. They stand to the side of the door and Sam gives Dean a nod. Dean plants himself in front of the door and shoves his foot at it. The door breaks easily and they are entering, weapons up, on the alert. The first attack comes quickly, with a blow to Sam's head. Sam whips around to find Dean has already chopped the head off of the angel and turned to face the several dozen angels that showed up behind it. Dean is grinning wickedly and licks his lips. Sam shakes off his fear for his brother and follows as Dean dives into the fray. Sam is doing his best blocking blows from the angel in front of him when another comes up from behind. He struggles with the two for a while, getting a few hits in, but not enough to be a killing blow. Sam looks up and realizes his angels are the only two still standing. The bodies of the rest of the army were strewn on the floor, cut up and in pieces. He sees Dean standing up from his latest kill and turning to run up the stairs- not even bothering to help Sam with the two angels still struggling to pin him down. Finally Sam gets a killing blow, which stuns the other one enough for him to stab him as well. Kneeling down to catch his breath, Sam wipes the sweat off his brow. After a few moments he gathers his strength and forces himself back up. He runs up the stairs, expecting to find Dean on the second floor dealing with another wave of attacks. Instead, all he finds are more bodies of dead and mangled angels. Up two more flights he finds the same thing. There had to have been over a hundred angels here total, and it hadn't even phased Dean.

Sam climbs the last flight of stairs and finds Dean with Metatron backed into a corner, several dozen more angels dead before him. Metatron is wearing a look of pure terror mixed with awe. Sam has never seen Metatron scared before, and that is what terrifies him.

"Dean." Sam says, panting from his climb. Dean doesn't even hear him.

Dean presses his blade up against Metatron's throat, watching his face, and smiling. "You ready to die, angel dick?" He presses the blade closer and blood starts dripping from Metatron's neck.

Metatron smiles, thoroughly intrigued by Dean's behavior. "It appears I have misjudged you. The effect of the first blade... I did not think it would consume you this quickly." Metatron squirms as Dean switches his grip, carving a line down Metatron's chest. "Ooh, that tickles."

"Dean!" Sam says again, and begins making his way over to his brother. "Just kill him and lets go."

Again, Dean pays no attention to his brother. He grabs Metatron's throat and begins to squeeze. Spluttering for breath, Metatron wheezes out, "We could become a great team, Dean. No one would be able to stop us. Together, ruling heaven and hell- all powerful. The entire earth and all of its' contents for our taking."

Dean snarls at Metatron and begins stabbing his stomach. Metatron falls to the ground, his face frozen in shock. Dean kneels down next to him and cuts off his head, and then proceeds to stab Metatron into hamburger. Sam reaches out his hand to his brother, who turns on him, his eyes pitch black. Sam stumbles back and Dean advances on him, snarling.

"Dean!" Sam tries again, "Dean, it's me, It's Sammy. Your brother."

Dean has him backed into a corner, grinning. He tilts his head, "Bye bye Sammy" He brings the blade back and Sam holds his hands up over his head closing his eyes. Dean is tackled from the side. As he falls, Dean growls and turns on his attacker, stabbing blindly. The attacker's hand reaches out and tries to knock the blade out of Dean's hands just as it enters his heart. There is a loud snap as the blade breaks, and a blinding flash of light. Dean feels like a tub of cold water has just been thrown on him. He looks over to his brother, staring at him open mouthed in horror. Dean swallows a lump in his throat. "Sammy, I-" He cuts off when he realizes Sam is not looking at him, but at the attacker who had snapped the blade. Dean looks down into the piercing blue eyes staring up at him, and his blood turns to ice in his veins.

"Cas!" he drops the blade and reaches towards Castiel, lightly slapping his cheek. "Cas stay with me."

Castiel's eyelids flutter as he struggles to draw in breath. 

Dean vaguely hears in the background his brother shouting at the ceiling for Gabriel to get his ass down here, but all he see's is the former angel in front of him, blood pouring from his chest.

"Stay with me, don't you go anywhere, do you hear me? We talked about this. You don't get to just fucking leave! You get to stay right here and DAMMIT CAS, open your fucking eyes!" He can scarcely see anymore due to the tears flooding down his face.

Castiel struggles to form worlds through the blood that has started gurgling up through his mouth. "Dean." He finally gets out.

Dean is pressing down on his wound with his jacket, slapping his face with the other hand, trying to keep him awake. "Yeah Cas, I'm here. Stay with me, okay? Stay with me."

Castiel's face goes slack, his eyes glassy. Dean shakes him. "Castiel, you wake the hell up! Cas.... CAS!"


	7. Rest In Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't post yesterday as I was busy Supernaturaling :D (AKA fangirling hardcore over the new episode) Anyway, maybe I'll try and post extra tonight to make up for it, it depends on how long I stay up :)

The past 9 hours were a blur of blood, yelling and waiting helplessly unable to do anything. Sam looks over to Dean, sitting by Castiel's bedside.

Gabriel had actually responded to Sam's yelled prayer- though since most of the damage to Castiel's body was from the stolen grace, and the rest of the damage from a magic resistant blade, the most Gabriel could do was zap them over to a hospital. Dean had carried Castiel's bleeding and limp body into the ER, where nurses and doctors swarmed him immediately. They were asking what had happened, how long had he been down, if they were aware of any medical conditions or allergies he had. Dean didn't speak- couldn't speak. He was still staring after the doors they had just wheeled Cas through, his eyes full of guilt and remorse. Sam had stepped up- Castiel was stabbed, he had been down no more than 2 minutes, no he does not have any allergies or medical conditions. After the nurses had gone off to report to the doctors what Sam had told them, Gabriel appears and puts his hand on Sam's shoulder.

"It's not looking good," He had said. "His wound is nasty and he has been down for quite some time now. But I do have some good news. Lucky for you your ol' pal Gabriel over here hooked up brother Cas in a suite private room, and convinced those lovely nurses to forgo protocol and not report this heinous stabbing to the authorities."

Sam had nodded and thanked him. Gabriel was walking out the door when he turned around again, "Oh, and one other thing. I don't know how you did it, but the grace poisoning is gone. The only problem now is a large hole in his chest. Oh, and the having been dead for a while thing." Gabriel had then winked and popped out.

Sam sighed. The only time Dean had moved in the last 9 hours is after the doctors had come out of surgery. About an hour or so ago they said Cas was stable, but due to his time being dead, there could be some permanent brain damage, also meaning a large possibility that he will never wake up, and would we like to go see him now.

Dean had walked right in, and sat down in the chair next to him, resting his arms on his thighs and head in his hands, and had not moved since. Sam leaves to go grab coffee for the both of them, and comes back to find Dean still hasn't moved. He walks over to him and offers a coffee.

"Hey man, I got you some coffee..." Dean doesn't move. Sam sets the coffee down on a table and takes the empty seat next to him. "Dean, you can't just sit here forever, you are going to have to move- to talk- eventually. Talk to me. Hey." Sam puts his hand on his brother's shoulder and Dean flinches away. Sam pulls back, weary.

Dean slowly lifts his head out of his hands to look at his brother. His face is covered in a layer of blood and dirt broken up only by the tracks his tears carved down his face. He isn't crying anymore. Hasn't been for hours. Now his expression just looks dead- looks like Cas did those 9 long hours ago. Dean looks away to grab the coffee, and leans back in his chair taking a sip. He picks a spot on the wall and stares, not saying anything.

Sam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath- inhaling the scent of the fresh coffee, as he leans back in his chair to wait with his brother.

* * *

 

Sam and Dean move back and forth between the bunker, to shower and change clothes, and Castiel's hospital room, still in complete silence. An entire week passes before Dean says anything.

"Couple dozen kids down in Texas were reported chanting into the sky before dropping dead during recess."

Sam is so startled by the sudden noise, he jumps. Sam furrows his brow, "Witches, maybe? Some sort of hex?"

Dean shrugs. "We should go check it out."

Sam is so happy that Dean is even talking, let alone talking about taking a case, that he immediately agrees. "Yeah! That sounds great." Sam stands up before looking back at Dean who is still watching Cas. "Are you sure you want to leave him here? He could... There's still a small chance that he could wake up.." Sam trails off.

Dean stands up, grabbing his coat. "Even if he does wake up, I am just about the last person he would wanna see. We should go, leave him rest in peace. He doesn't need the person who got him like this in the first place sitting here staring at him when he finally opens his eyes." Dean's fists clench and his eyes harden.

Sam furrows his brow, "Dean, It's not-" He cuts off. He was about to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but looking back on the situation that argument would get him absolutely nowhere. "If it weren't for you, he'd still be dying from his stolen grace. At least now he has a chance to wake up and be okay- and even if he doesn't, he would have died saving my life and you from that damn mark."

Dean laughs coldy. "Yeah, a chance to wake up and be permanently brain damaged because I killed him! I killed him, Sammy, not some stolen grace, not Metatron. I did. That's all on me. He saved your life- from ME. And I sure as hell am not worth all this." Dean brushes past his brother and walks out of Castiel's room.

Sam watches his brother's figure retreat down the hallway. He walks over to Castiel's bedside, laying a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Hey, Cas... I don't know if you can hear m, but... I wanted to thank you for saving my life. And saving my brother's life. He was going down a dark road, and I don't think he could have recovered without what you did... But now... Now I need you to do something else for me. For him. I need you to wake up, okay? I need you to wake up, and I need you to be okay. Because there is no way Dean will survive this if you die. He needs you. He's always needed you. And I know he has a funny way of showing it, but I think you already knew that. So Cas, please, please.....Please wake up. For Dean." Sam removes his hand from Castiel's shoulder and walks out after his brother, closing the door behind him.


	8. Cas

Sam walks into the bunker behind Dean. They are covered in a thick layer of green slop that smells like a mixture of vomit and onions. Sam drops his duffel on the floor near the door and goes to take off his jacket only to realize he should probably walk right back outside and burn it.

"I friggin' hate witches," Dean mutters as he catches sight of himself in the hallway mirror. "I'm gonna have to shower like 5 times to get this stuff out of my hair." Dean takes off his shoes and then stops, looking around wondering where the fuck to put them.

Sam notices and shakes his head, "Burn it. Burn it all, Dean. There's no coming back from this." Dean chucks his shoes at the door and looks at Sam.

"It's in my ears, Sammy. IN my ears. I friggin' HATE witches!" Sam laughs at him and tosses his shoes over next to Dean's, followed by his coat.

"Hey Dean, after we get this goop off I was thinking we could go and check in on Cas... It's been a week since we took that case, maybe his condition has changed."

Dean tenses up and looks away. "You go on ahead, I'm gonna turn in early tonight." Dean turns and makes his way towards the shower in his room.

"Dean-" Sam starts.

Dean waves at his brother over his shoulder, "Goodnight, Sammy." Sam sighs as the door slams behind him.

* * *

 

Sam gets off the elevator of the hospital on Castiel's floor and look around for a doctor. He knows the chances are slim, but he's hoping maybe the doctor has some news for him. Some good news. Not seeing any, Sam decides to go visit Cas first. He makes his way down the hall to Cas's door and pushes it open. He walks in to find Castiel's eyes open, and staring at him. Sam stops in the doorway, eyes widening.

"Cas!?" Sam walks into the room and closes the door behind him.

Castiel's face scrunches up in confusion. "Are you sure you have the right room? My name's Jimmy." Seeing the look of confusion and shock on Sam's face, Jimmy continues. "I- I think, that's what the doctor told me... Is my name not Jimmy?"

Sam recovers quickly, "No, um, I mean yes, you're name's Jimmy. Cas is a nickname..."

Jimmy looks confused, "How do you get Cas from Jimmy?"

Sam shakes his head, "Never mind, you... You don't remember anything?"

Jimmy looks apologetic, "I'm sorry. The doctor's said I died for several minutes, and that's it's a miracle that I even woke up. They said they expected severe brain damage, so I guess it's pretty lucky that all I got was amnesia... Are- I take it we are friends?"

Sam forces a smile. "Yeah, friends... I'm Sam." He offers his hand out to Jimmy.

Jimmy Reaches out, "Nice to, uh meet you again, Sam. I'm... Cas?"

Sam nods. "Yeah, Cas. Unless you prefer Jimmy, I mean I guess that's up to you, if you want to go by something different..."

Jimmy smiles, "No, I like Cas. When the doctor's first told me my name I was severely disappointed. Jimmy..." He over enunciates the syllables. "Doesn't feel right. Sounds strange, on top of which it's a terrible name. Cas... Cas I like. It fits." Cas smiles to himself.

Sam shuffles uncertainly, "So, how are you? How long have you... um, been awake?" 

"My doctor's say I can go home in a couple days, so I would assume that means I am doing fairly well, and I think I have been awake for about... 4 and a half hours now."

"Where will you-" Sam cuts off, unsure of how to ask him where he is going to live. Cas- well, Jimmy that is- lost his home the minute he said yes to Castiel. Sam and Dean were complete strangers to him right now, how was he going to tell him that 'Jimmy' was living in their Men of Letters bunker complete with weapons room, a library fully stocked on everything that goes bump in the night, and a demon proof dungeon? Not to mention how Dean would react if Sam brought home an amnesiac Jimmy.

Cas answers the unfinished question, "I had not actually thought that far... My address wasn't listed in my chart, you would probably know it, though?"

Sam runs a hand through his hari, " Yeah, well you are actually in between houses at the moment. And jobs... You know what? We- er, I, can get you set up in a motel somewhere, until you can get a job."

"Oh, no I-"

Sam cuts him off. "Look, Cas. You have no money. No home. No job. You're a really good friend of mine, and I am not just going to leave you out on your ass after waking up from a coma with amnesia. Alright? I'm not letting you say no to this."

Cas smiles gratefully. "We must be fairly close for you to be offering this..." He smiles up at Sam. "I am very sorry I can't remember you."

Sam waves his hand, "No, man. I'm just glad you're okay." But just how the hell is he going to tell this to Dean.

* * *

 

Dean is in the living room cleaning the green goop off his weapons when Sam gets back from the hospital. "How is he?" Dean's voice is tight.

Sam takes his time walking into the living room, and taking a seat in the armchair across from Dean. Noticing this, Dean puts down his gun and rag and follows Sam with his eyes, expression narrowing. He tenses as Sam finally takes a seat. "What?"

Sam's face scrunches up with nerves. "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news..." Dean looks at him to go on. Sam sighs. "Good news- Cas is awake, and has no detectable brain damage that the doctors could find..."

Dean's muscles flex under his shirt with tension, his breathing louder.

Sam continues, "He doesn't remember us. Woke up without any memories what-so-ever. Think's his name is Jimmy because that's what the doctors told him when he asked, though he thinks Cas is some weird nickname for him- though he does like Cas more than Jimmy so that's gotta be something right? But he's being released this Wednesday and I told him I would put him up in a motel somewhere while he got back on his feet." Sam rushes the words out and looks to his brother for a reaction.

Dean has closed is eyes, tension radiating off his shoulders. Sam waits while Dean collects himself.

"So he's okay? He's gonna be fine?"

"Yeah, Dean, he's gonna be okay."

Dean gives a small nod. "Good." He picks up his gun and continues trying to get the goop out of the trigger.

Sam is confused. "That's it? You don't want to see him or something? Dean, Cas is fine- he's gonna be fine. He's awake and healthy."

"Yeah, Sammy. He's gonna be fine. The amnesia is a fucking gift to him, gives him a clean start. He can live a normal, happy life- without me there to fuck it up for him. You've got him a place, he's gonna be fine, especially if I stay the hell away. He doesn't need me to go visit him and bring back memories of me stabbing him in the god damn heart!" Dean's voice breaks a little at the end. "Cas's life has always been better when I'm not in it. He has a chance to start over, and I'm not gonna go and take that away from him. He's done enough for us, he deserves this."

Sam looks at his brother sadly. "He would want to see you."

Dean laughs, "No, Sammy. He doesn't even know who the hell I am, let's keep it that way." Dean stands up and starts walking down the hallway. "Goodnight, Sammy."

Sam hears the door slam and flinches. He puts his head in his hands, closing his eyes. 

_Well what the hell do I do  now?_


	9. Murder Happy & Panicking

Sam and Dean are at a gas station picking up some pie and road snacks when he sees it. On the front page of the newspaper next to the checkout counter, the headline reads 'Supposed terrorist ring body count in the thousands'. Underneath which is a picture of bodies strewn throughout the street- all burned from the inside out. Sam grabs up the newspaper and begins reading.

'There continues to be seemingly random attacks throughout the country, where dozens of bodies will be found, all killed in the same, unusual way. We do not know the extent of the organization, only that there seems to be no border or theme to any of these attacks...'

Sam stops reading, mouth going dry. "DEAN!" He calls. Dean looks up from the pie section, and seeing the worry in his brother's face, he runs over. Sam wordlessly hands Dean the newspaper. Dean grabs it and his eyes take in the front page.

"Shit." He looks up at Sam. "Angels?"

Sam nods. "I don't know of anything else that kills like that."

"Shit." Dean repeats. "Well why the hell are they killing people? These aren't even other angel's, they're just people. What the hell are they trying to do?"

Sam thinks a moment. "They're out a leader, Dean. You know how angels are, they need someone to follow. And since they are still stuck on Earth, with no plan to follow to get them back home... I think they're just panicking."

"So they decide to go on killing sprees? How does that help them get home?" Dean tosses the newspaper back on its pile. "How the hell do we stop a bunch of murder happy, panicking angels?"

"...We have to re open heaven. Get them away from people- let them duke out a new leader on their own turf where they won't hurt anyone else."

Dean sighs. "Well shit. We have to find Metatron's portal."

* * *

 

Dean was across the street at a gas station, filling up the Impala and stocking up on supplies for their trip. They had decided the best course of action was to try and locate any of Metatron's old followers that are still alive. They figured if they hit the towns with the most smitings they would eventually track down an angel who could point them in the right direction. Sam was at a phone shop, under the pretense of needing a new charger cable, but instead waiting for Cas to show up. He wanted to make sure Cas had a way to contact them, and he also was hoping that Dean would walk in looking for him and have no choice but to talk to Cas. Sam was programming their numbers into a phone when Cas walked in.

"Sam?" Cas walked up to him at the counter.

"Hey, Cas. So. My brother and I are going to be going out of town for a while..." Sam hands Cas the new phone. "I've already programmed our numbers in, but you have to make sure you use that phone for calling me. Okay?"

Cas stares down at the phone. "Okay? You going off the grid, or something?" He jokes.

Sam looks uneasy. "Yeah, something like that." Over Cas's shoulder, he spots Dean heading towards the store. "Speaking of my brother..."

Dean walks in and spots Sam. "Sammy, what's taking so long? Get a move on!" Cas turns around and Dean freezes. "Cas," He chokes out.

Cas waves uncertainly. "Hi, uh," He looks over at Sam. "Dean, right?" His gaze returns to Dean.

"Right, yeah." Dean forces a smile. An awkward silence follows, Dean and Cas shifting uncomfortably. Sam clears his throat.

"Right, well I was just telling Cas here that we were gonna be out of town for a while." Dean nods. "I gave him a burner phone so he has a way to contact us." Dean scratches his head, and Sam internally sighs. Sam claps Dean on the shoulder, "I'm gonna make sure we have everything packed up, Dean you can make sure Cas is all set and make sure he doesn't need anything else before he goes." And Sam turns and walks out of the shop.

Dean stares angrily after him, and Cas clears his throat. "I think I'll be okay... I can't thank you both enough for getting me a place to stay.... Not sure what I would have done otherwise. I just wish I could remember you, so it didn't feel so much like charity." Cas laughs weakly.

Dean attempts a smile in return, eyes shifting randomly around the room, everywhere but at Cas. "How you doing? I mean with-" Dean's eyes move to the spot in Cas's chest where he knew there must be a large scar.

Cas rubs his chest unconsciously. "Great- actually. I barely even notice it's there anymore. The doctors say the incision site is healthy, and healing properly, so." He nods.

Cas finally catches Dean's eye and his expression is pained. Cas frowns in confusion. "Good, good," Dean chokes out. "I'm real happy to hear that. Sammy and I gotta get going though." Dean reaches out for a hug, realizes what he's doing, and stops- settling for a pat on the shoulder instead. "You take care, Cas."

Cas smiles hesitantly at Dean as he walks out of the shop and joins his brother in their car. He see's Dean immediately punch Sam in the arm when he climbs in, and they drive away. He frowns down at his phone. That had definitely been a strange encounter... Sam was the only one who ever came to see him, so he already figured his relationship with Dean was not very strong, but after this encounter Cas was utterly confused. Maybe Cas had done something to make Sam's brother hate him. Seeing him today had definitely seemed to pain him... He had to practically force the words out of his mouth, and he made a point of not even making eye contact. Cas sighs in frustration, wondering what the hell he could have done to make the man hate him so much. Cas is surprised to feel a tear leak out of his eye. He wipes angrily at the wetness, wishing he could remember what the hell he was crying about. Wishing he could remember a damn thing at all.


	10. Deja Vu

Dean jolts awake to a sound at the door. They had been off for about 3 weeks now, tracking angels and trying to get a lead on where Metatron's portal might be. They were currently following the trail of a particularly murder happy group of angels that had landed them in Mesa, Arizona. Dean goes for the angel blade under his pillow, and then tosses his pillow at Sam, waking him up. Sam jumps awake and looks over at Dean, who is shushing him and pointing towards the door. Sam reaches for his angel blade as his eyes follow where Dean is pointing, and sees the figures crowding by the door to their motel room. They immediately roll into action, positioning themselves on either side of the door. There is a loud bang and the door explodes of its hinges. Three figures spill in from outside the door, and another 3 pop up from behind. Dean gets stabs one of them right away, taking them by surprise. The other two coming from the hallway advance on Dean, while Sam covers his back, facing the other three. They each take down one more before Dean sees it. Their eyes are black.

"What the hell?" He grunts. "Sammy, they're demons!"

Sam looks at them, alarmed. "Why the hell would demons want to keep us from reopening heaven? Don't you want the angels to leave?" He addresses the two demons in front of him.

They snarl at him, getting in a blow to the head before replying. "If they go back to heaven, they'll stop killing each other. Down here, all alone and abandoned, they couldn't give a damn about us demons, they're too busy killing each other to notice us! But if they returned to heaven? Well then it would go right back to how it was before, and ain't nobody wants that."

Sam takes out the demon as it finishes talking, and turns to face the last one, just as Dean takes his out. The final demon's face turns up in a sneer.

"Don't think this is over. There's a price on your heads. Thousands more of us will come for you, and one of these times, we will kill you. You can't hide forever." Just as the demon is about to cut it's losses and get the hell out of there, Dean surges forward and slashes it's neck. Sam wipes the sweat off his forehead while the demon lights up shutters out. Dean collapses on the bed.

"We need to start covering our tracks better. We've left a trail of angel bodies in our wake, it's a wonder they didn't find us sooner," Sam says as he takes a seat on the other bed.

"You still know how to make those hex bags? To hide us from them?"

Sam nods and sighs. 

Things just got a lot more complicated.

* * *

 

Eight. There were eight angels in the group they had followed to Arizona. All of them mean, ruthless, and completely opposed to Sam and Dean's plan. When hunting down the angels, they tried to give them a choice. Stop killing innocent people, or they would kill them. But then Sam and Dean would try to explain their plan. That they were trying to reopen heaven, so that the angels could go home, but they needed to find Metatron's portal. They would then offer the angels a chance to help them. Unfortunately, explaining this only served to aggravate this group of angels.

"Follow you? You are a lowly human!" One of them was shouting. "I would sooner praise Buddah, than follow you. You, who has destroyed Metatron! The one true leader we have had since God, and you have the audacity to ask me to join you?" The angel spits in Dean's face. "HA!"

Dean pulls out his lighter and tosses it to the ground, where a ring of fire erupts around the angel who had spit on him. The angel looks at him with outrage, and begins shrieking in rage. Dean steps up and stabs him through the throat, leaving one angel still alive.

Dean turns to help Sam, facing the last of this group. This angel is still mad- they can clearly see that etched into his face. But more than that, this angel looks frightened.

"We're not trying to lead you guys," Sam was saying. "We just want to help get you all back up in heaven where you belong. 13 of you guys have already realized the merit of our plan, and have agreed to help us."

"I will never join you," he spits.

Sam sighs, "Come on, All we ask is that you stop killing humans. You don't have to help us if that's not what you want, but we can't have you keep killing. You have to know that's not the way to fix this."

The angel shakes his head. "I will never betray Metatron! And even if you do find Sorush, he would never tell you where the portal is. He would die first, than betray our rightful ruler!"

The angel moves fast, and a fist connects with Sam's jaw, knocking him back. Dean reacts, grabbing onto the angel's shirt and shoving him onto the floor, stabbing him through the heart.

Sam looks up at Dean , grinning a mouthful of blood. "Did you hear that?"

Dean looks down at Sam, returning the smile. "We got a name."

Sam's phone rings from inside his pocket, and he checks it to find he has seven missed calls from Cas in the last 30 minutes. He flips the phone open.

"Cas? Is something wrong?" Dean tenses up, waiting for the response.

"Sam." Cas's voice is strangely calm, steady. "The recent attack of angels on my hotel room seems to have jarred loose some memories."

Sam's eyes widen in worry. "Wait, angel attack? What the hell happened? Are you okay?" Dean appears to have stopped breathing.

"Yes," Cas is still eerily calm. "They came to my room maybe half an hour ago, looking for revenge against Metatron's death. The attack sparked a sort of deja vu, returning many of my memories. I was able to catch the two of them off guard and killed them with their own blade. They mentioned my teaming with the Winchesters... I had assumed that to mean that we have fought together against Metatron, and it occurred to me what you both might be out doing right now."

Sam answers wearily, "We're, uh. We're out trying to find the portal to heaven that Metatron had. The angels have started taking their panic out on humans, killing thousands of them. We figure the best way to get that to stop is to get them back to heaven."

"I want to help," Cas states. "This is my doing, I am the one who got them cast out, who opposed Metatron and played into his trap. Let me help you."

Sam looks up at Dean. "Honestly, we could really use the help. They are forming groups, which are getting larger and larger. Plus, with angels and demons both out hunting us, it would probably be best to team up."

Dean's jaw is tight, the muscle in his forehead jumping. Sam gives him his best 'quit being dumb and get over it, you know I'm right' face as he tells Cas they'll be back in a couple days to get him, and hangs up the phone.

"His memories are back?" Dean says through clenched teeth.

Sam's brow creases. "Not all of them, from what I can tell. He said 'many' of his memories came back. I don't know what that includes though. He remembers Metatron, and heaven closing- casting the angels out. I don't know if he even remember us though."

Dean nods stiffly and stalks out of the ruined and charred building. Sam gets to his feet, and hears a loud smack from outside. Sam makes his way over fallen angels and towards his brother at the Impala. They climb in and drive off.

Sam makes a point to not notice the bloody and bruising knuckles of Dean's right hand.


	11. Demons and Angels

It has been 9 days since Cas first joined them on their hunt, and Dean had managed to avoid being alone with him up until now. Sam had left them in their motel room, and had made sure that there was no good reason for Dean to need to go with him. The only things Cas had seemed to remember were general angel knowledge, so nothing about either of them, and Dean wasn't sure how that made him feel. On the one hand, he was glad that Cas didn't remember what Dean did- the reason he couldn't remember in the first place. Even though his shot at a normal life was gone, he still had a chance to start over from before he met the two of them, so long as Dean didn't screw up further. On the other hand, having Cas around, without his memories... Well it wasn't Cas. This is the Cas he had known when he first met him. The strict angel who had no emotions and believed wholeheartedly in the angels and their Father. Seeing him walking around, using Cas's voice, doing Cas's signature head tilt- but not actually being the Cas he had come to call family? Well that felt like a knife to the heart every time he proved just how 'not Cas' he was.

They were sitting around the tiny table the room had provided, looking for more signs of angel disturbances on the internet. Dean reached out absentmindedly towards the bowl of chips at the center of the table to find that Cas had the same thought. Their hands brushed lightly and Dean jerked his hand back immediately, a rush of heat traveling up his hand from where they brushed and all the way up to his face. Cas looked at him, brows furrowed, and tilted his head, studying. The head tilt just pushed Dean over the edge and he scooted back from the table, chair legs scraping against the carpet, and stood up.

"I'm going to order a pizza, you want anything?" Dean grabs the motel welcome binder and flips through until he finds the pizza place's menu. Cas is frowning slightly at the table, pinpricks of hurt shining in his eyes.

Cas looks down at his stomach, still getting used to recognizing hunger again. His stomach decides to make a large gurgling noise, answering for him. Dean looks over to Cas at the noise, and Cas's eyes widen, embarrassed. "Pizza will be fine, thank you."

Dean nods and turns back to the menu, dialing the phone.

At the table, Cas bows his head and fidgets with his hands in his lap. Cas doesn't know why Sam made a point of leaving them both here together. Dean had made it perfectly clear in the last week and a half that he wanted nothing to do with him. When they needed to split up, he always made sure it was either him with Sam, or Dean would volunteer to go off by himself. And even when they did find themselves in the same room, Dean pointedly ignored Cas, not even making eye contact when he was forced to address him. Cas had tried to accept this, to accept that Dean just really did not like him, and wanted nothing to do with him. But then Sam goes and leaves them alone together, for the better part of the evening. Cas is wondering about Sam's motives when Dean finishes ordering the pizza and hangs up the phone. Cas jumps at the sudden silence and looks up at Dean.

"It'll be here in 'bout 45 minutes." Cas offers a weak smile, and Dean continues to stand awkwardly by the phone, shuffling his feet and refusing to meet his eyes.

Cas looks back down at his lap, hurt written all over his face. Dean's face creases with concern, and before he knows what he's doing, his arm starts extending towards Cas. "Hey," He starts before realizing what he is about to do. He pulls back abruptly just as his hand was about to make contact with Cas's shoulder, and his arm retreats to his side.

Noticing Dean's sudden movements, Cas look back up, confusion filling his face. "Yes?" Cas asks.

Dean tries to play the motion off by reaching up and scratching the back of his head, but he can see Cas is not buying it. Dean exhales in frustration and grabs his coat off the bed. "I'm going out for a walk, I'll be back by the time the pizza comes."

Cas smiles sadly at Dean as he makes his way towards the door, and turning it immediately into a frown as the door slams behind him.

* * *

 

An hour later, Dean and Cas are sitting on opposite beds, eating their pizza. Cas is still browsing through the internet looking for leads, while Dean watches Dr. Sexy MD on the TV.

Dean's phone rings, and Dean sees that it's Sam calling. "'Lo?" He says around a mouthful of pizza.

There is a lot of noise on the other end, a lot of wind and yelling making it hard for him to hear his brother.

"Dean!?" Dean sits up.

"Yeah? Sammy, I'm here, what is it?" He can barely hear Sam, who sounds out of breath and in pain, and panic floods his system.

There are some more muffled noises and he can only make out a word or two. "Salt!" He hears. And, "el-Blade!"

"What? Sammy, I can't hear you, where are you?"

He hears an exasperated sigh on the other end, and then Sam yells, "INCOMING!" and the phone goes dead. Dean is springing up in an instant, grabbing two of the angel blades and tossing one over to Cas, who catches it and looks at Dean questioningly. 

Dean takes a defensive posture facing the door and responds, "Incoming."

Cas immediately faces the door, on the alert and waiting. Out of nowhere, they hear shouting and see a flash of bright light, and then Sam is bursting through the door. A a few scratches color his face in red and pink and he limps up to his brother. Dean grabs an arm and moves to take him over to the bed when the windows explode. Glass shatters everywhere, flying into their hair and cutting into their skin. Sam dives over the bed and rolls towards their weapons bag, grabbing out the shotgun with salt rounds and aiming it at the door. A demon leaps over the threshold, heading towards Cas. Sam takes a shot and it staggers back, flinching in pain long enough for Cas to reach out and stab it. Five more demons follow the first, leaping through the open windows and charging through the door. Dean is able to get his blade through the chest of one of them, and a blinding light explodes out from the body. Dean covers his eyes and backs away, alarmed.

 _That was an angel,_  He realized.  _These are angels!_  He looks at another of their attackers and sees the soulless black eyes staring back at him.  _No,_ He corrected himself.  _The angels and demons were working together._

He pushes down the bile that rises to his throat at that though, and surges ahead to help the others. As Dean stabs the last angel, Cas collapses onto a bed, panting heavily and wincing in pain. There is a large tear in his shirt, where one of the angels had managed to cut a deep gash through his stomach.

Dean rushes over to him and shrugs off his jacket, pressing it to Cas's wound. "Sammy, can you grab that first aid kit?"

Sam limps over to the case sitting on the bathroom counter as Cas watches Dean, utterly shocked.

Dean is inspecting the wound when Sam hands him the kit, and he mumbles a distracted "Thanks."

Cas is holding up his shirt to expose the wound, while Dean works at cleaning it out. His touch is careful, and soft, though there is a determination to his movements so the gentleness is surprising to Cas. Dean's hands brush along Cas's stomach, and Cas shivers at the tingle that his touch elicits. Dean looks up at the shiver, meeting Cas's eyes for the first time since the phone store weeks ago. They both freeze at the unexpected eye contact, Dean's face still drawn with worry, but relaxing slightly in Cas's gaze. Sam makes a grunt from the other bed, startling Dean and Cas apart, as he tries to wrap his ankle. Dean jumps up, backing away from Cas and going back to not making eye contact. He hands Cas the bandage he had been holding.

"Put that on, you should be fine." Dean walks over to his brother and helps him finish wrapping his ankle. Cas stares down at the bandage, completely and utterly confused as to what had just happened with Dean.

Sam knocks back a couple of pain pills and sits up. "We need to stop going out on our own... With the angels and demons teaming up, it's way too risky to be out on our own."

Dean is nodding, "We should probably find a better way to hide us from them when we're out, too. Angels and demons working together...."

Sam shakes his head, "It means this whole situation is that much worse than we originally though. We need to put an even bigger rush on this, there is no telling what an alliance like that will do.. What the death toll will be."

The brothers exchange tense glances, worry furrowing their brows. Cas rips open the bandage and applies it to his wound. As he watches the blood begin to color the cloth, he can't help but think,  _This. All of this. This is all my fault._


	12. Missing Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating in a couple days! I was busy for one of the nights, and then yesterday was the season 9 finale.... Needless to say I was in no condition to write after that. Anyway, I'm hoping to get 2 chapters out today to make up for it :)

Whenever Cas is remembering something, his entire body freezes, his eyes darting back and forth viewing something only he can see. It's actually a little dangerous, because Cas becomes completely removed from reality.

After the attack two nights ago, they had to relocate to a different motel, but Sam was finally closing in on the location of the group of angels in this area. At the table, Sam clicks furiously on his laptop. 

"Hey, Cas! I think I've got a location on the angels... When Dean's done in the bathroom, I'm going to hit the shower, are you going to be good to go?" He knew the wound in Cas's abdomen was pretty bad, but it was just too risky to leave him at the room by himself. When he doesn't get a reply, Sam looks over to Cas who is laying on the bed closest to the door. Cas is rigid, eyes moving rapidly around the room, a faraway look in his eyes. Sam gets up to make sure Cas is okay. Reaching the bed, Sam crouches down and lightly puts an arm on Cas's shoulder. "Cas?" Sam gives the guy a slight shake. "Hey, Cas? You in there?"

Suddenly Cas's eyes slam into focus, and Cas jumps at the unexpected proximity of Sam. Sam smiles sympathetically at him. "What'd you remember this time?"

Cas blinks, eyes readjusting to reality. "Sam Winchester, the vessel of Lucifer... You were able to overpower him, locking him away again." Cas looks at Sam in awe.

Sam shifts uncomfortable, "Yeah, well- that's more thanks to Dean than anything. If it weren't for him, I'd still be Satan's meat suit."

Cas looks confused. "Dean was there?"

Sam frowns. "Yeah... What part about that do you remember?"

"I remember... I remember Lucifer in the clearing, and Michael had found a suitable vessel... I was assigned to-" Cas cuts off, scrunching his face in concentration. "I, I had some sort of assignment that required me to check in on you from time to time... Which ultimately led to you overpowering Lucifer in that clearing, and sending him back to his cage." Cas looks over at Sam for confirmation.

"Well yeah, but-" Sam starts. "Do you remember anything about Dean?"

Cas contemplates this. "I am assuming, being your charge, that I would have run into Dean from time to time..." Cas trails off.

Sam looks worried. "It was more of the other way around... You have absolutely no memories of Dean? You tell me things you've remembered of me all the time, are you telling me you haven't remembered a single thing about him?"

Cas looks apologetically at Sam, a cough is heard coming from near the bathroom. They swivel their heads around to find Dean, eyes focused on a lamp off in the corner, jaw clenched with his breathing tight. "Shower's all yours, Sammy."

Sam shoots back up out of his kneel, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, um," Sam clears his throat. "I think I got a location on our angels here, ready to go in 15?" He asks.

"Yeah, sure, sounds good." Dean brushes by Sam who disappears into the bathroom, and moves towards where his jacket is hanging next to the door. Cas moves to stand up, but finds that his legs don't want to cooperate. As soon as he gets up, his legs give out from under him and he pitches forward- losing consciousness. Dean shoots forward, catching Cas before his head collides with the wall. Cas is covered in a sheen of sweat. Dean lowers him down to the ground and curses when he feels burn of Cas's skin and notices that his entire body is shaking. Dean lifts Cas's shirt to check on his wound.

"Son of a bitch." The gash was oozing pus, shooting an angry red line in the direction of Cas's heart. Dean slaps Cas's face lightly. "Cas. CAS."

Cas opens his eyes to find Dean's face right in front of him. Cas jumps in surprise, and his eyes automatically focus in on Dean's lips. Cas goes rigid and Dean swears again.

The memory goes on for no more than two seconds. Cas sees those very same lips getting closer to him as he advances, and then everything disappears for a moment as he feels their lips connect, and as soon as it started it was gone, with himself backing up and turning away. The memory fades and his current situation comes back into focus.

Dean is shouting. "When was the last time you cleaned this out! This, you see this?" He points towards Cas's abdomen. "This is what an infection looks like. These can kill you." Dean pulls the first aid kit sitting on the bedside table over to him. "If you needed help cleaning this, you shoulda said something. You don't let it get this bad, do you hear me?"

Cas nods, frightened at the intensity of Dean's words. Dean pulls out a bottle of clear liquid and unscrews the cap. "This is gonna hurt." He pours a generous amount over Cas's stomach. Cas sucks in a breath as it starts to sizzle, white bubbles forming around the wound. He follows it up with a cloth, gently mopping up the excess fluids. "Shit, this is going to need stitches."

Cas widens his eyes, slightly frightened. Dean grabs out a needle and thread from the first aid kit. "You want a beer?" He gestures over to the mini fridge. "It'll help."

Cas gives a quick nod and Dean walks over to grab one for him. He pops the cap and hands it to Cas, who grabs it and starts chugging. "Whoa, easy there. Your alcohol tolerance isn't what it used to be." Cas finishes the bottle off and looks up at Dean. Recalling his recent memory, Cas looks back down to a very interesting thread coming loose of his shirt.

What did it mean? It didn't really seem like the kiss had happened before, Dean's face had looked more shocked than anything. But comparing that to how Dean acts around him now.... Cas's face reddened at the thought, his stomach sinking.  _No wonder he wants nothing to do with me._ The kiss on top of whatever else he did to make Dean hate him... It's a wonder Dean tolerates him at all.

Cas grits his teeth. "I'm ready," he mumbles out.

Dean sits down next to Cas on the floor, picking up the needle. Cas closes his eyes, and Dean leans in close to get a better look at what he's doing. He places one hand on Cas's abdomen to hold the wound steady, and he begins to stitch. There is a loud grunt of pain from Cas, and he proceeds to pass out. Dean looks up at his passive face, a look of amusement on his own. Dean chuckles to himself and goes back to work. Cas's skin is smooth under the fingers of his left hand, and soft. He absentmindedly places his free hand more firmly on Cas's abdomen, noting the sweat matting down the trail of hair there. Dean refocuses on what he's doing and finishes up the stitches and replacing the bandage. He looks back up to Cas's face- the guy is out cold.

Sighing, Dean reaches one arm under Cas's head, the other under his knees, and gently lifts him up. He sets him down on his bed, arranging his arms away from his wound so as not to agitate it. Noticing that his shirt is still raised to expose his abdomen, Dean carefully pulls it down. After pulling the blankets up to cover him, Dean finds that he is allowing himself to look at Cas's face- like really look at it- for the first time since he woke up. It's covered in a layer of sweat, and somehow very pale around the edges, but his cheeks are flushed, almost as if he were blushing. He had short layer of stubble, not having had the chance to shave since he received his gash. His face was so peaceful in sleep. So unlike his conscious face, always tensed up and calculating. Dean is surprised to swallow down a lump in his throat, and he snaps his gaze away to rest on the mini fridge.

He grabs out his own beer and settles out on the open bed. Seeing as how Cas can't even walk, they weren't going to be going anywhere anytime soon. He wasn't about to leave an unconscious Cas here by himself, especially with that infection sapping all his strength. This left things open for him to consume as many beers as he would like. He pops open his drink and leans back to do just that.


	13. Raining Fire

Considering the death toll that had been racked up, they had assumed there were at least a dozen angels in this group. They couldn't just go in swinging like they normally did, especially not with Cas only being at half strength. His wound had lost its infection, but it was still a far cry from healed. To compensate for this, they devised an ingenious- if Dean did say so himself- plan. Holy oil Molotov cocktails. If they aimed right, the angels would be too distracted by their roasting feathers to ward off any incoming angel blades to the heart. Dean hefted his duffel full of them higher onto his shoulder, peering over a bush and across the street. The angels were holed up in a barn luckily enough, no where near any humans. There were 4 angels walking around the perimeter of the old barn. It was a faded shade of red, the roof caving in in some places. No animals or anything- just open, empty fields surrounding two of the sides sides, a thick patch of forest on another, and a dusty dirt road along the fourth. Sam and Dean were hiding in the front, while Cas was coming in from the trees. The plan was this: Cas would jump out and distract them, and while they were heading for him, Sam and Dean would come up behind them and hopefully catch them by enough surprise that their cocktails would hit their mark. They spot Cas nearing the edge of the line of trees, gripping his own Molotov coctail in one hand, and a bag filled with more open and slung over his shoulder. Cas looks down and takes a deep breath- and goes rigid.

"Shit, Sammy he's having a memory. If he falls down, they'll hear it and he won't be able to defend himself and we can't get there in time." Dean moves to start towards to barn, but Sam grabs his arm, stopping him.

"Wait, he's out of it." He shoots a reassuring glance at Dean. "He'll be fine."

Dean eyes Cas, who has indeed started moving again. He's got a smirk on his face, and he looks over to let them know he's ready.

He pulls in a shaky breath and looks over at Sam. "You ready?"

"Let's do it." Sam grabs a Molotov for each hand, and Dean gives Cas a nod.

Cas steps out of the trees, pulling his arm back to throw the now flaming Molotov. "HEY ASSBUTTS!" He flings it at the nearest angel, hitting him square in the back. The angel bursts into flames and his three companions rush to stop the intruder.

Sam and Dean burst from the bushes, running straight at the angels who are now facing away from them. Dean looks over at Sam, shaking his head. "He needs a new insult."

Sam just grins at him and lets out a bark of laughter. "Guess we know what memory he got back."

They each light one of their cocktails as Cas angel blades the flaming angel, the other three finally arriving at the scene. Sam flings his first- hitting the angel now advancing on Cas. The other two spin around to find Dean aiming to give them one of their very own. Cas dodges the flaming angel, rounding around to it's back before stabbing it. Cas quickly lights up two more, tossing them at the two remaining who are facing Dean and avoiding all his throws. They light up and Sam slips up from the side taking out the one closest to him, while Dean finishes off the last one.

"Alright, four down.... An most likely large, unknown amount to go." Cas nods, pleased.

Dean raises an eyebrow at Cas, mildly amused. "I say we get up on the roof, draw em outside, and make it rain fire."

Cas nods again, thinking. "Being that they can no longer use their wings, this would give us an advantage."

"Only one of use needs to go up there, we're going to need two of us down here, picking off the flaming ones," Sam points out.

Dean is a little disappointed about that, but can see Sam's point. "Cas. You think you can climb your way up this sucker?"

Cas widens his eyes. "Me? I seem to recall that I took out the majority of the angels guarding the hideout. Haven't I proven my usefulness to you yet?"

"That's all fan-freaking-tastic, but you're still only at half strength. There are going to be a lot more, very angry angels swarming out of that door. We can't have you down here in that while you're not at 100%."

Sam pats Cas on the shoulder. "He's right, Cas. Having you up there makes the most sense, strategy-wise," He adds, trying to play on Cas's knowledge of battle strategy. 

Cas visibly deflates after that, accepting that they are right. They decide to set up a ring of holy oil as well, just outside the barn doors so that they are hopefully able to question at least one of these angels.

They stack a few hay bails up against the side of the barn, and then hoist Cas up onto the roof. Sam then takes position around the corner of the door, Dean standing right in front of it. He nods to Sam and Cas, letting him know they're ready. He takes a step back, and kicks on the door as hard as he can, and running around the opposite corner of Sam as the doors crack open. A couple seconds later, eight angels come pouring out of the barn, blades at the ready. Cas is way ahead of them, because as soon as the first one is through the door, it is on fire. The other angels look up, alarmed, and Dean takes that opportunity to stake the angel nearest him, while Sam gets the one on fire. Already there are three more angels on fire, but by now they are catching on. Sam is able to stab two of the angels that are on fire, but the last three are all advancing on Dean, and Sam is stuck grappling with the last flaming one.

Cas watches as three of the angels attack Dean. If he throws another cocktail, he has a chance of setting Dean on fire. He see's an angel get a hard punch in Dean's stomach and Dean grunts in pain, doubling over. A white hot anger flashes through Cas's stomach, and before he knows what he's doing, he has leapt off the roof and is shouting as he lands right on top of the offending angel, plunging his blade through his head. Dean uses the distraction to take out another one before falling to the ground coughing blood. Cas spins around, giving the last angel a large shove, and then tosses his lighter to the ground where the ring of holy oil lights up. Cas falls to his knees, panting.

"Holy hell, Cas. What, are you fucking Tarzan now?" Dean asks, standing up.

Cas frowns, "I was not raised in the jungle by primates, no."

"Castiel." They all whip their heads around to stare at the captured angel. Dean finds it a little strange to hear the former angel referred to as Castiel again, since for so long it was strictly Cas- had to be in the beginning, because he hadn't known his real name. _He's known for a while now though_ , Dean thought. It's funny that it's only now that Dean has heard his full name again.

Dean interrupts the captive, "So first things first. Where's Sorush?"

The angel looks confused. "Sorush? The last I have heard from Sorush, he was staying in a cave deep inside the Grand Canyon. Why do you ask of Sorush?" He adds at the end, only now realising that he may have just given them information that he should not have.

Sam looks at Dean, "Well that was easy."

Dean turns back to the angel. "Where in the Grand Canyon?"

The angel only sneers back at him. "What do I get out of sharing this information?"

"How about we don't torture you before we kill you?" Dean replies.

Castiel cuts in, "Brother. All we ask is for you to stop harming humans. We do not wish to harm you, but we will if it is necessary-"

The angel cuts Castiel off. "Brother? You dare call me your brother?" The angel rages. "You are nothing more than a stain. You are even lower than humans- you have betrayed and rebelled, and you have fallen. You are nothing to me, do you hear me,  _human?_ You are the scum on my shoes."

Castiel steps back like he had been punched, shame and rejection washing over him. Dean takes one look at Cas's face, and suddenly his arm darts out, stabbing the trapped angel up through the face. Light bursts from the angel, and Sam and Cas stare at Dean, open mouthed.

"What the hell, man? The Grand Canyon is huge! We needed more information from him," Sam shouts.

Dean clenches his jaw and shrugs. "Not like was going to talk anyway. He had this coming."

Sam throws up his arms in frustration, grabbing his bag and heading back towards the impala. Dean just sighs, bending down to pick up his own bag. Cas studies him, thinking, and extremely confused. He watches as Dean walks away after Sam, and he wonders what the light pulling sensation in his chest is.

 


	14. Cas, Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so for some reason during this chapter I keep accidentally writing Misha, instead of Cas.... lmao so I apologize in advance if I missed correcting that anywhere >.>
> 
> OMG I have started replacing Dean with Jensen now... help me

Dean didn't like it, but they had agreed that going out in a group while being so close to this Suresh, would draw too much attention. They needed to catch him by surprise so they didn't lose him, and the three hunters asking around town... That's pretty much a flashing neon sign saying 'Hey look at us! We're hunters!' They were staying in a Cabin in Grand Canyon National Park, and Sam had gone off to check the park records, looking for any sort of cave or... Well to be honest, they really had no idea what the hell to look for.

Cas was sitting on the couch, his lips pulled down in a frown. Dean was in the open kitchen area, cooking burgers for everyone. Dean glances over at Cas, frowning slightly. An overpowering sense of guilt washes over him, and he quickly refocuses on his cooking attempting to shake off the feeling. He always seems so sad and frustrated now, he never used to be like that. Not until after Dean lost him his memories. He can't imagine what it would be like to know that there was something you were missing from your memory, and to have no idea what it was. That would definitely make Dean frustrated and send him into a spiral. And while Cas was getting his memories back one by one, he still remembered absolutely nothing of Dean... _He remembers Sam completely, though,_ Dean thinks bitterly. The movements, the basic knowledge- all of that was there. But there was still something-  _someone-_ missing from him that made him so he was still not... Cas. Not  _his_ Cas. How could he be, when he has no idea who Dean is? The knowledge that all of this was Dean's fault to begin with, is just the icing on the cake. He doesn't deserve to miss Cas when it's his fault he's gone in the first place. He doesn't deserve anything when it comes to Cas.

Ever since the other day when Cas had remembered the kiss, he couldn't stop himself from thinking about it. What did it mean? Why would he have kissed Dean? What does it mean that Dean looked more shocked than anything else? Was that the only time that had happened? And was it that kiss that made Dean hate him? He clenched his hands in frustration at his inability to remember a single damn thing about this man he had once known well enough to have kissed. He looks up at him now, shoulders hunched and back to him as he seasoned his burgers. The hunter turns and startles when he finds Castiel's eyes already on him.

"Food's ready," He grunts, turning quickly away.

Dean was not expecting Castiel to be looking at him when he had turned. He has been trying to keep up his no eye contact rule and, as always, the sudden gaze surprises and distracts him. He turned away quickly, annoyed at the heat rising to his face- probably from the steam coming off of the burgers.

Castiel hauls himself up off the couch and makes his way towards the kitchen. The plates are located in a cupboard above and to the right of the stove and Cas reaches up around Dean to grab two down for them. Dean chooses that exact moment to turn, brushing against Castiel's arm.

"Sorry," He mumbles. 

Heat flushes Castiel's face as he nods awkwardly, grabbing the plates and turning to hand one to Dean. Dean takes it from him and slides around Cas to reach the hamburger buns, this time brushing against his other arm. Also this time, Castiel notices, there is no mumbled apology. Cas looks at Dean, who is placing two hamburger buns on his plate. Dean looks up and meets his gaze, the second time in one day. Cas is surprised when Dean doesn't turn away.

"How many burgers you gonna want?" Dean asks him.

Castiel tries to contain his shock from Dean speaking to him while actually looking at him. "Um, two, I think will be fine."

Dean nods and looks away, grabbing two more buns from the package in front of him. Castiel's brain is still processing when Dean turns back around, again looking at him, and hands him the hamburger buns. Castiel manages to get out a quiet 'Thanks' amidst his shock, and then Dean smiles at him before taking a seat at the table. Castiel's mouth drops open.

After a while, Dean notices Castiel is still standing at the counter, having not moved since Dean had sat down. "You gonna eat?" Dean asks around a mouthful of burger.

Castiel startles from his thoughts, and tentatively takes the seat next to Dean. He looks over at Dean, who continues eating his burger. Castiel shakes his head, thinking he must have imagined the smile. He reaches out to grab the bottle of ketchup, just as Dean reaches out for a napkin. Their hands collide and Castiel yanks his hand back in. Dean grabs himself a napkin, and then picks up the ketchup, offering it to Castiel.

Their eyes meet again as Dean asks, "You want the ketchup?" Castiel nods dumbly as he's reaching out to take it, their fingers brushing during the hand-off. Though their fingers only touched for no more than a second, Castiel can still feel the warmth from Dean's hand. His hand tingles as he squirts the ketchup onto his patty. The heat and tingle begin to spread up his arm, and he finds himself unconsciously leaning closer to Dean. Castiel's thigh touches Dean's under the table, and Castiel pulls away, thinking that Dean would react negatively to their contact. Castiel is surprised when Dean simply continues eating, as if he hadn't even noticed. Relaxing a little, Castiel bites into his burger and they finish their meals in- for the first time since Castiel had woken up- a comfortable silence. At some point Cas notices that their legs are once again resting against each other. Since Dean doesn't seem to mind, Cas leaves it there. The warmth radiating off the hunter's leg is nice. Comfortable. Castiel smiles for the first time in what feels like weeks.

They finish eating and Dean grabs the plates, standing up to put them in the sink. Castiel stands up as well, going over to the cupboard to grab a cup for some water.

"Wanna grab me one too?" Dean asks from the sink behind him.

Cas grabs two cups out and whirls around to hand one to Dean. Dean is closer than he expected and he stops short, mere inches away. His breath catches in his throat, his heart pumping erratically. Dean's own breathing is shallow, and his eyes flicker down towards Castiel's lips, and return to his eyes. Castiel looks down at Dean's lips as well, unable to tear his gaze away. The heat from their first brushing of their fingers continues to spread through his body, as his mind brings forth the memory of Dean's lips again. Of pressing his own lips against them... Then suddenly the heat between them explodes and Cas is leaning forward pressing his lips to the hunter's like he has seen so many times in the memory.

As soon as Castiel's lips hit his, Dean's mind forgets everything but the feel of them. He lets out a startled 'mmph' as electricity shoots through his body. Dean snakes his arm around Castiel's waist, yanking him in closer. Distantly Dean hears as the glasses Castiel was holding hit the floor, shattering around them as Castiel instead brings his hands up to cup Dean's face. Dean's mouth opens up, allowing Castiel's tongue entrance. At the feel of Castiel's tongue moving with his own, Dean stutters out, "Cas." As soon as he speaks, it starts his mind up again. Slowly, so very slowly, his word echos through his head. 'Cas.' 'Cas.' Reality slams back into Dean. Not Cas. Not  _his_ Cas. Dean pushes Castiel away from him, backing up and breathing heavy.

Castiel looks up at him, more confused than ever. He decides to just go for it, not sure what else he could lose. "I've done that before," He says to Dean.

Dean's eyes widen, and then his gaze is hardening, face closing off and tensing. "No. Do you hear me?  _You_ have never done that before," Dean is shouting at him. Dean swings his fist around and punches a wall before walking well around Castiel, walking out the front door, and slamming it behind him.

Castiel sinks back down into his chair. Maybe at one point they had been something more. But there was no doubt in Castiel's mind that now, all Dean Winchester felt towards him was hate. Castiel felt cold replace the sweltering heat that had flooded his body when their lips had met. His stomach felt like it was sinking, and there was a mildly painful burning sensation in his eyes. Castiel curled in on himself, bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. Castiel stayed like that for the next hour until Sam returned, a small puddle forming on his sleeves.


	15. Quelling the Anarchy

Castiel looks up from his pile of papers over to Sam, buried in a pile of his own. Dean still hasn't come back to the cabin yet, from wherever he went off to after Castiel had kissed him. Sam was muttering under his breath.

"If we just knew what we were looking for!" Sam exclaims, swiping his arm across the table, sending most of the paper to the floor. 

Cas stares down at the papers on the floor. "We have a plan, correct?"

Sam looks up at him, confused. "Well, kind of. If Dean had just waited  _five more minutes_ before killing that angel, maybe we would have a better one," Sam grumbles.

Cas shakes his head. "No, I mean after this. We find Sorush, then what?"

Sam frowns. "Well, then we use him to find the portal, and send all the angels back up to heaven."

"That's it? That's where it ends?"

Sam is thoroughly confused now. "Well... Yeah? What more is there?"

"I see your desire to get them away from humans. But, this will not contain the anarchy... Not for long anyway. They will regroup, and again grow restless."

Sam thinks about it for a second, realizing Castiel has a point. "Shit. What do you suggest?"

Castiel snaps his head up to meet Sam's gaze, shock flowing through him at being asked his opinion. "Well- I think, as long as the angels have no leader, there will be chaos."

Sam nods, "So we need a leader."

Castiel returns Sam's nod, and Sam sits back in his chair to ponder this new information.

Sam opens his mouth to reply when the sound of wing beats fill the room, and Gabriel is standing before them.

"No. No no no no no," The archangel starts.

Sam looks about to protest when Gabriel cuts him off again. "I'll tell you what, though. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to help you find this Sorush guy." Gabriel holds up a hand, still not allowing Sam to speak. "Now I know what you're thinking, what's the catch? Right? Well all these smitings make it almost impossible for a guy to hide out on Earth in peace! You go to send someone slow dancing with an alien, and all of a sudden the cops are busting down his door and arresting the guy for liquefying the football teams insides. Now who needs that, I ask you. Not me. So." Gabriel grabs a chair and sits down backwards at the table. "What have you got?"

Sam begins filling Gabriel in on what they've found out so far about the layout of the Canyon. Cas stares back down at the floor, following the curving pattern of the carpet. Cas catches the end of Sam's sentence, realizing he is being addressed.

"-the hell is Dean? He was supposed to have the other half of this map," Sam mutters frustratedly as he paws through the strewn about papers.

Gabriel gives Castiel a smirk. "Yes, brother. Where has Dean gotten off to?"

Cas curls himself back into a ball, choosing not to answer as he hides his face away and a numbness settles throughout his body.

* * *

 

Dean angrily swats away a tree branch blocking his path.  _What the hell was that. What the_ hell  _was_  that? Cas had kissed him! Weeks of trying to avoid the guy, and now all of a sudden Cas is trying to kiss him?  _Not trying,_ he thinks.  _He did kiss me..._ And Dean had kissed back. He hadn't even thought about it, as soon as their lips met he was gone. What did that mean? He'd never thought about kissing Cas before that. Cas is a guy.  _Well, in a male vessel, at least..._ Dean takes a moment to ponder just what the hell that means, being attracted to an otherworldly being with no gender. 

There was no denying it, though. Dean had kissed back. Had  _wanted_ to kiss back. He could even go so far as to say he had wanted more than that... It just felt good. It felt right. Cas's lips on his... Dean's arms holding the former angel tight against his body. Cas's hands up gripping his face. The little moan Cas gave when their tongues had met.... Dean trips over a tree branch, barely avoiding falling flat on his face.

Dean whirls around shouting as he kicks the tree as hard as he can. A jolt of pain shoots up through his foot, and he sighs as he slides his back down the tree, lowering himself to the ground. He begins to bang his head back against the trunk.

"Dammit, Cas!" He mutters to the dirt.

_But that's the thing, isn't it. It's not Cas. Not without his memories._ All  _his memories...._ Dean's thoughts trail off as he thinks of the memory he never wants Cas to remember. Dean's fists clench as he recalls the first blade plunging into Castiel's heart. His gurgled "Dean" as blood pours from his mouth. His eyes glazing over, his body going limp in Dean's arms. Dean brushes distractedly at the tears starting to form in his eyes, and instead begins slamming his head against the tree trunk with more force.

If Cas had remembered that... If Cas had remembered Dean that night. Had remembered Dean stabbing him, his eyes black and his soul cold. Cas would be disgusted with him. Cas was a figgin angel! He may not be anymore, but that doesn't mean he feels any differently about demons, and that was what Dean had been becoming. He could feel it in his gut, if the eyes hadn't already told him. And if Cas had remembered that... If Cas had remembered Dean plunging that blade into his heart, cold empty black eyes staring at him with loathing and malice... Cas would probably leave.

Dean's heart constricts painfully at that thought. _It's better that he doesn't remember me.... Remembering Sam is good enough- doesn't need any more than that. Obviously if he hasn't remembered a_ single damn thing _about me yet, it's because he doesn't want to. Can't blame him, really. Not like I've caused him anything but suffering._ _I deserve this. I deserve to have him not remember me. Hell, he deserves it too. He's probably much happier this way._

Dean hauls himself back to his feet, a numbness setting over his mind and his body. Pushing thoughts of Cas away, Dean continues through the trees. As he makes his way away from the cabin, one last thought slips through the wall he creates before his mind goes blissfully blank.

_I miss you._


	16. Bad (ex)Angels

A week and a half had passed of Dean successfully avoiding Cas. Cas and Sam were out with Gabriel scouring the Grand Canyon, and Dean was just getting back from his grocery run. Dean hefts the two little plastic bags out of the backseat of the Impala, shoving the door shut with his boot.

Cas hears a car door slam and looks up from his book. Dean was back early from the grocery run. Castiel panics. He was supposed to be out with Sam and Gabe searching the Grand Canyon, but after Sam saw how exhausted he was, he insisted he stay back. Castiel had only agreed because he had thought Dean would be gone longer, and that Sam would be back by the time Dean got here with the groceries. Cas shrinks himself as small as he can into the corner of the couch, watching as Dean bangs through the front door. Dean takes one step into the cabin, spots Cas cowering on the couch, and freezes. Cas sees the hunter's eyes widen for no more than a second before he carefully composes his face and continues towards the kitchen. He putters around the small space, completely ignoring Castiel. Cas is sitting on the couch, feeling small and pitiful and then, it changes. The sinking feeling in his stomach surges upwards and out, pumping adrenaline through his body, sending heat coursing through his veins until his vision flashes red. Castiel is  _angry._

His brain no longer controlling his actions or words, Castiel springs to his feet. "What the fuck."

The curse word is enough to get Dean to turn towards Castiel, shock coloring his features. Castiel comes around and stands at the edge of the kitchen, hands clenched into fists.

"What the fuck did I do wrong? What the fuckcould I have done to fucking deserve this? Are you punishing me for not remembering you? Or is it something else? Because that's really fucked up, Dean. So tell me. What the fucking  _hell_ did I do to make you fucking hate me so damn much?" Castiel is panting, anger coursing though his veins like fire.

Dean feels as if he's been punched. "Hate you?" He manages to stammer out through his shock.

"Well you do, don't you? That's why you've been treating me like utter shit since I met you, right? So tell me, what did I do?" As Dean just stares at him some more, Castiel tries to reign in his anger which is beginning to threaten to manifest in a more physical manner.

"I- I don't- Shit, Cas. I don't fucking hate you." Dean has thought he had been doing the guy a favor. It had never occurred to him that it would come off as if he  _hated_ him. Dean felt awful.

His answer only seems to aggravate Cas further. "Well then what the fuck? Tell me. What did I do to deserve this? If you don't hate me, then I at least deserve to know why you've been treating me like a damn rabid dog."

Dean's mind flashes back to the first blade sliding into Cas's heart. Cas's eyes glazing over... Dean pushes the images away. He can't. He can't tell him, dammit, not yet. Maybe not ever. He would rather Cas think he hates him than for Cas to know the truth about Dean. Dean sets his jaw, his decision made. He grabs his jacket from where he set it on the kitchen counter and heads towards the door. Cas follows his movements, and is blocking the door with his body right as Dean reaches it.

Dean growls, "Move."

Castiel reaches out and slaps Dean across the face. Deans head snaps to the side with the force and he clenches his jaw as he turns back to face Cas.

"That's it? Weeks and weeks of you treating me like shit for no fucking reason. And then I kiss you, and you kissed back! Don't even say you didn't, and now I get nothing? That's how much I fucking mean to you? I'm just a charity case? A wild animal to kick for the fun of it? And I get no explanation, you're just going to fucking walk away, like you always do." Cas slaps him again.

Dean's eyes begin to water from the sting of his slaps. Again, Dean says nothing, just stares pointedly at the corner of the door, waiting for Cas to give up and let him  _leave_.

"NO!" Cas shouts. "YOU LOOK AT ME." Cas punches his chest. "YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME YOU ASS." Cas begins continuously slapping Dean's face, actions wild and sloppy, anger having completely taken over, rolling out of him in bursts of force colliding with Dean's face.

At first Dean just tried to take the hits. The guy deserves to get in a few thousand at him anyway. But then, unexpectedly, Dean finds his own anger is building. Dean was trying to help Cas. To do him a favor. Cas doesn't need a guy like Dean in his life. Dean is just trying to get the fuck out of his way, if Cas would only just. Stop. Hitting him! Dean's anger finally pulses out of him in one swift movement. Dean grabs Castiel's wrists in an iron grip and pins them against the door, his breathing hard and heavy from trying to control his rage. Castiel struggles against his hold for a while, before realizing that Dean is stronger and just stares at him, eyes angry and accusing. Tension is rolling off both males in waves.

Dean is angry. Dean is annoyed. Dean just wants to leave. Dean is holding Castiel's wrists in a death grip, electricity shooting out through his veins at the skin to skin contact. Dean is breathing heavily, trying to control his outburst. Dean is staring at Castiel's slightly parted, flushed, angry lips. Dean just wants to fucking  _kiss_ him again. 

Before he has time to process that last thought, he shoots his head forward, smashing their mouths together. Castiel lets out a strange noise from the back of his throat and Dean moves his hands down around Castiel's waist, pulling them tight against each other.

His hands free, Castiel moves one hand down to cup Dean's face, and the other slides its way down Dean's body straight to his ass, which he squeezes. Dean growls and bites Castiel's bottom lip in return, eliciting a moan from him. Dean grabs Castiel and forcefully spins him around, walking him backwards until they are falling onto the bed. They fall apart as they hit the mattress, and then Dean is on top of Castiel, kissing him with a fervor he had never before felt. Castiel opens his mouth to him, and Dean lets out an involuntary groan as their tongues meet. Dean realizes that he is already achingly hard, and moves to press their hips together. He feels a shot of pleasure run through him as he feels Castiel's own hardness pressing into his crotch. Dean grinds down into him and Castiel breaks away from their kissing to gasp, his eyelids fluttering.

"Dean," He stutters. Dean only growls in response, once again claiming his lips with his own. Castiel moves his hands under Dean's shirt, exploring the muscles and skin there. Dean shudders, the touch causing sparks of pleasure to flow through his entire body.

They are grinding each other in earnest now, a steady and desperate rhythm as they deepen their kissing. Each new thrust elicits a new moan from Castiel, who has once again broken from their kissing, unable to concentrate enough to move his mouth. Dean figures he should take advantage, seeing as his own mouth is still usable. He moves his kisses to Castiel's neck, gently sucking at Castiel's pulse point. Casteil's hands grip uselessly at Dean's shoulders, another moan escaping from his lips. Dean then gives him a little nip, and Castiel is shouting, "Dean!" His nails digging into Dean's shoulders. 

If Dean hadn't lost his mind to this already, that alone would have done it. The sound of Castiel shouting his name, completely  _wrecked_ and staring at him through half lidded eyes had him absolutely desperate for more friction. Castiel seemed to be way ahead of him, because no sooner had he thought it then the former angels hand was palming his erection.

"Fuck," Dean groans. "Fuck, Cas, I- I need-" Then he hears it.

Sam is shouting from outside the cabin, moving closer every second.

"Fuck!" Dean says again, for a completely different reason. Dean springs off of Castiel, reaching to adjust himself before realizing it's useless, and just taking a seat at the table, book in his lap. Cas has already lept out of the bed and is closing the door to the bathroom behind him.

Sam is still shouting, fast approaching the door, "Gabriel! Dammit, get your ass down here!" Sam pushes open the door to the cabin, face angry. He spots Dean sitting at the table and heads over to join him. "Fucking angel douche dropped me a mile away! It's over 100 degrees outside! What the hell?" He asks Dean. "He usually just fucking drops me in here."

Dean turns an embarrassing shade of red. Either Gabriel was feeling particularly tricky today, or he knew what had been going on between Dean and Cas.  _Shit,_ Dean thinks.

Sam plops down in the chair across from him and sighs. "Oh!" Sam's face brightens. "With my fucking heat exhaustion, I almost forgot." Sam is grinning at him now. "We found the cave."


	17. Rocks Come Tumbling Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a play on the song 'Love Comes Tumbling Down' By Matt Nathanson. It has nothing to do with the song.... Just the title seemed appropriate ;D

They stand at the entrance to the cave, moonlight glinting off the walls. 

"So why isn't Gabriel down here helping us with this shit, again?" Dean grunts out.

Sam's grip on his angel blade tightens before answering his brother. "Because the cave is warded against angels."

Dean lets out a shaky breath, "Well ain't that convenient," He mutters.

Sam sighs, "If it's warded against angels, chances are there are other protections in place, we need to be on the look out for anything- um, suspicious?"

Dean shakes his head, "I'll go in first, you two keep a look out behind."

Sam starts to protest, "Dean-"

"No." Dean growls. "I'm the big brother, Sammy. I'm the big fuck up who almost fucking turned-" He shifts his gaze towards Cas before cutting off. "Let me do this?" He asks his brother, eyes silently begging him to understand.

Sam gives a frustrated sigh and nods stiffly at him. Castiel is looking at him, head tilted and brow furrowed- probably wondering how that sentence was going to end.

They head into the cave, drawing flashlights out as the light from the moon fades away behind them. Somewhere around 200 feet (60 meters) in, the cave branched off in two directions. They stop, eyeing both directions warily.

Dean turns towards Sam and Cas, "Stay here?" And then continues cautiously towards the left tunnel, inspecting the walls. As Dean passes a certain point down the path, the whole cave starts to rumble. Dean only has time to turn around and mumble out a "Son of a bitch!" before he see's rocks start to tumble down from the ceiling. Dean is too far away, but he runs anyway, attempting to get to them before the first rocks land. Cas and Sam are running too, towards the other tunnel as the falling rocks push them forward. And then- to Dean's utter horror, Sam trips. Sam trips and a rock is falling right for him, and Dean is running as fast as he can but he is still too far away, and he can only call out a rough, "SAMMY!" as he watches the rock hurtle towards his brother. And then Cas is there, skidding towards Sam and rolling him roughly away from the falling rock and Dean breathes a sigh of relief because Sammy is free, Sammy is safe- and instead the rock slams down on Castiel's leg, pinning him in place. Castiel lets out and anguished scream as his bone splits and blood starts to spill out. Sam shoves himself backward in shock as more rocks land around Castiel, completely obscuring him from view.

"Cas!" Sam shouts as the wall of rock completely blocks his tunnel off from the other two.

Dean finally reaches where he last saw Castiel when the rocks have finally stopped falling. Dean shoves uselessly at the rocks covering where Castiel must be laying. "Cas!" He shouts. "Cas, can you hear me?"

"Dean!" Sam shouts from the other side of the rocks. "Dean, is he okay?"

Dean manages to shove a small rock away from the pile, opening up a small hole just barely large enough to peer through. Dean shines his light down and makes out Cas' form, motionless on the ground. "Cas!" Dean shouts again. 

Castiel's eyes flutter open and he shrinks away from the beam of the flashlight. "Dean," He croaks out.

A wave of relief rushes through Dean as he begins working out dislodging the other rocks from on top of him. "Yeah, Cas I'm here. I'm gonna get you out, okay? And you're gonne be just fine, you hear me? I just need you to stay with me, can you do that? Can you stay with me?"

Castiel nods weakly up at him.

"Good, talk to me. Keep talking to me so I know you're still with me." Dean grunts as he braces himself and shoves against the largest rock with his legs.

"Dean?" Sam calls again.

"Yeah, Sam he's alive. He's buried under some rocks though, he-" Dean chokes back an unexpected sob from escaping his mouth. "I need to get him out of here." Dean looks towards the wall of rocks separating his brother. "You should be able to climb that, it doesn't look like it goes all the way up. Just, get over here and we'll get the hell out of here, okay?"

Dean pushes at the rocks some more, which are only budging slightly. Sam is silent for a few seconds, then, "Dean."

Dean grunts in frustration at his slow progress. "A little busy over here, Sammy. Hey, Cas, I need you to keep talking to me, okay? Say something."

 "Dean," Sam continues, "I need to keep going."

"What? Hell no, Sammy, you climb your ass back over this wall or so help me God-"

"You'll what, Dean? No, Cas needs you. And if I don't do this now, we may not get another crack at this guy. It makes no sense to just scrap the whole thing when I am perfectly capable of doing this."

"Sammy," Dean growls.

"Dean, I'm doing this. You just worry about Cas, okay? I'll be fine."

Dean curses as he hears Sam start to walk away. "Dammit!" He shouts, kicking out his foot at the rock still covering Cas. At his last kick, the rock slides about half a foot over- still not enough to get Cas. Dean peers back down at him. "You still with me?"

"Yes," Cas says tightly, the shock starting to wear off. Dean continues working on the rock as Cas become more aware of his surroundings. The pain in his leg hits him full force and he's stifling back a scream as his vision starts to blur. He thinks he's imagining it at first, but then small figures, the size of rats, begin to take shape, surrounding him. They are dark purple, with matted fur and sharp, snarling teeth. Dozens of them spring out of the rocks, converging on top of him, teeth biting into his skin, and then he really is screaming. He is batting at them and kicking with his left leg, but they keep coming, surrounding him and eating away at his flesh. Castiel is screaming and crying and Dean looks back down at him to see the small rat like creatures attacking him. Their eyes meet for the briefest of moments, and Dean goes cold. Never in his life, has he seen someone with that amount of pure terror in their eyes. Dean's heart constricts painfully in his chest and he shouts as he puts all of his strength into his next kick, sending the rock covering Castiel, tumbling down.

Dean doesn't even miss a beat, and he is reaching down into the crevice of rocks and pulling Castiel out. The rat creatures shriek in fury, and begin snapping at Dean as well. Dean hauls Castiel out of the crevice and Castiel clings to Dean for dear life, arms around his neck in a death grip. Dean clings back, relieved that he finally has Cas, has solid proof that Cas is okay and alive, right here in his arms, and no longer screaming. The screaming had been the worst part, each new scream ripping through Dean like a knife. Dean kicks out at the creatures, sending them flying as he readjusts his hold on Cas and starts back towards where they came from.

Cas is crying into his neck, tears leaking down into the back of his shirt. "I got you, Cas. I got you, okay? I'm not gonna let anything else hurt you."

Cas can only nod into his neck, sobs wracking his body and pain jolting through his leg with each step, as he clings tighter to Dean.

* * *

 

Sam rounds a corner and stops short. Sam is confused. He expected some sort of lair, more traps, something... Well something not this. The cave has come to a dead end, the walls circling around creating a room. Sorush, or who he assumes is Sorush, is leaning against the back wall, legs out in front of him, arms dangling at his sides, and hundreds, upon hundreds, of empty liquor bottles littering the floor.

"Winchester!" Slurs the angel. He attempts to get to his feet, only to end up falling back down on his ass. "Have you come to kill me?"

Sam looks at him in confusion, sliding his angel blade out into his hand. "Uh-"

Sorush claps his hands together gleefully as he spots the blade in Sams hands. "Yes! Good, good!" The angel finally manages to stand up, and he plants his feet apart, arms raised in the air spread wide, and closes his eyes.

Sam just stands there, mouth slightly agape. "Um," He tries again.

The angel opens his eyes and sighs in exasperation. "Well, don't just stand there. Do it. Kill me."

Sam shakes his head, "I'm not- I mean..." The angel looks at him expectantly. "I'm here to ask you where the portal is."

Sorush drops his hands back down to his sides, sighing dramatically. "Oh. That."

"Yeah... I just- If we can get all the angels back up to heaven-" Sorush cuts him off.

"I'll tell you what. I will tell you where it is." Sam's eyebrow raise way up into his hairline. "IF. You promise to kill me."

"What? Why?"

"There's no point! Metatron is gone! We have no hope! All that's left is misery and and-  _feelings._ Horrible, human, feelings. I want none of it."

Sam shakes his head, "That's what I'm trying to say. We're going to get you all back to heaven, and-"

"And nothing. Without Metatron, there is nothing. There is no hope."

"But if you would just join us- help us, you would see what we're trying to do is good!"

Sorush just shakes his head, stepping closer to Sam. Sam leans back as the scent of alcohol fills his nostrils. Sorush grabs his shoulders, preventing him from retreating further, and leans in close to his ear.

And then, Sorush whispers the exact address of a place in Aurora, Colorado, before grabbing the hand that gripped Sam's angel blade, and plunging it into his own chest. 

Sam just stares in shock as the white light bursts out from the angel, and the body slumps over on the ground. 

Sam can't bring himself to care too much though- now they knew where the portal was.


	18. Coming Clean

Dean starts praying before he even steps a foot out of the cave. "Gabriel! You get your lazy ass down here right fucking now, do you hear me!?" He shouts towards the sky. Castiel is whimpering in his arms, and Dean thinks he is still not entirely there. Gabriel appears before them, shock coloring his eyes. 

"Whoa there, you do realize he's human now and can actually break, right?"

Dean just glares at him. "Just fix him. Now!"

Gabriel rolls his eyes, "Yeesh, touchy touchy." He places two fingers to castiel's forehead, and Castiel's leg neatly stitches itself back together. Dean look back up to Gabe when Cas continues to whimper. 

"What? What's wrong with him? Did it not work?"

Gabriel removes his fingers from Castiel. "It worked, all right. I healed all of his physical wounds. He's probably just still in shock from whatever the hell did that to him in the first place. He'll be just peachy, just give him some time. You know, a little TLC can go a long way to fix up those nasty psychological traumas," Gabriel waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Dean glares at Gabriel, "Can you just zap us back? And then come back out here and wait for Sammy?"

"Sure thing, kiddo." And then Gabriel is reaching out those same two fingers towards Dean, and then Dean and Cas are back in the cabin, Gabriel already having left.

Dean inhales tightly, moving towards Catiel's bed and placing him gently on the mattress. Dean moves to pull away when Castiel's hands reach out and grab his jacket, holding him in place. Dean looks at Cas, who is staring at him with eyes still full of terror.

"Hey," Dean gently unwraps Castiel's fingers from his jacket. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere. Just let me get a rag and clean you up, yeah? You are covered in blood and dirt."

Castiel just continues to look at him, but Dean figures he has accepted what he was saying because he has relaxed slightly and makes no move to stop Dean again. Dean comes back over to the bed and takes a seat next to Cas, gently rubbing at the dirt on his face with the damp cloth. Castiel is still shaking under his touch as Dean begins to work away at the dried blood on his leg.

Castiel breaks the silence, addressing Dean with a small, scared voice, "What did I do?"

Dean snaps his head away from his leg to meet his eyes. There is so much pain and hurt and terror in his eyes, that Dean just can't continue to lie to him. Castiel deserves to know the truth, and Dean deserves whatever Castiel throws at him when he hears it.

Dean clears his throat. "It's my fault." Castiel's brow furrows in confusion, and Dean continues. "All of this," He gestures towards Cas, "It's my fault. I'm the reason you lost your memories. I'm the reason you almost-" Dean chokes back a sob as he struggles to say the next word. "The reason you almost died. That was me. All of it, was me. I am the one who took on the Mark of Cain,  I am the one who picked up the first blade, and I am the one who stabbed you right through the chest with it. And you didn't deserve that. You don't deserve any of this. You deserve to have a nice normal life free of fuck ups like me who's eyes turn fucking black and then turn around and stab you through the heart. _You_ didn't do anything, okay? It was me. All of this, is on me." Dean gets up to give Cas some space when the former angel's hands once again reach out to tangle in his jacket.

Dean looks down at him. "Please don't go," He whispers, eyes still shining with fear. "Please don't leave me alone right now."

Dean swallows back a lump in his throat, and he nods tightly, motioning for Cas to scoot over so that he can fit on the bed. Castiel makes room for Dean and he props a pillow up against the headboard, laying back into it. As soon as Dean has settled, Castiel immediately moves towards him, resting his head on Dean's chest, his arm wrapping around Dean's torso. Dean stiffens in surprise before relaxing into it, sliding his arm around Castiel as well, lightly trailing his fingers across Castiel's back. Before long, exhaustion overtakes both of them, and they drift off into the first sound sleep either of them has had in a long time.

* * *

 

Sam slips in about ten minutes later. He spots Dean and Cas lying in bed. Dean has settled down further into the bed, laying flat with both of his arms wrapped around Cas. Castiel's head is nestled into his chest, his arms still around Dean and their legs tangled together. Sam smiles to himself before climbing into bed as well, and passing out.

* * *

 

Dean wakes early the next morning. First thing he feels is happy. Strangely, undeniably, happy. But then he wakes up a little bit more, and that happiness turns cold. Cas is still wrapped around him, and he tries to gently untangle himself from the still sleeping ex angel so that he can slip out quietly. Dean tries to roll Cas off of him, and Castiel's eyes fly open. "Dean?"

Dean freezes.  _Shit._ "Yeah, Cas go back to sleep. It's still early."

Castiel rubs the sleep from his eyes, focusing more closely on Dean and realizing that Dean is trying to leave. "What- Where are you going?" Cas reaches out a hand to and grabs Dean's hand, trying to pull him back. 

Dean looks pained as he turns back towards Castiel. "Cas... Do you not remember last night? What I told you?"

Cas thinks for a moment. "That you stabbed me? And that your eyes went black?"

Dean's stomach drops. He finally knows. Cas finally knows what Dean has done, and he can't hide from it anymore. Castiel knows, and is going to hate him for it. Dean nods at him, trying to yank his hand away so that he can leave.

Castiel only tightens his grip. "But, Dean. If you were truly in the transition of becoming a demon, you must know that it is not your fault." Cas shakes his head. "I know you, you would never hurt me."

Dean snaps at those words. "How would you know? Because you DON'T know me! You don't remember a God damn thing about me! I'm just Sam- your 'assignment's'- older brother. That' all I am to you. You don't know what I would and would not do. You aren't Cas! You aren't Cas and you have no idea who the hell I am." Dean finally manages to yank his hand out of Castiels grip, and he storms out of the cabin.

Castiel stares after him, his heart aching in his chest, hand laying limp over the side of the bed where Dean had dropped it. Cas grabs for the first thing he can find- the bedside lamp- and hurls it as hard as he can at the wall- at lets out a scream. 

Sam bolts upright at the crash and turns towards Cas. Cas is curled up in his bed, tears streaming down his face. Sam notices that Dean is nowhere to be found, and decides to give Cas some privacy laying back down and pretending to still be asleep.

Castiel is shaking, and angry. Not at Dean- though he isn't sure why. He is angry at himself. Angry at his mind for not remembering what he so desperately wants to remember. Why the hell can't he just remember Dean?


	19. For Narnia

Good news: They found the portal. Bad news: A fairly large army of Meatron's followers teamed with demons had found  _them._

Team Free Will was staring into an army of what had to be over one hundred angels and demons combined, ready to say goodbye and call it a life, when Gabriel pops up in front of them.

"Hey-a kiddos, miss me?" Gabriel winks at them and turns around, raising his fist into the air. "For Narnia!" He shouts and begins charging. Team Free Will is utterly confused at this, until an army of angels charges in right behind Gabriel, wielding angel blades and ready for a battle.

They are still a little outnumbered, but having more angels than demons helps because the angels are still able to smite the demons without too much of a fight.

Dean is up against a particularly nasty demon that enjoys using a large hammer as a weapon. Dean is about to slash her through her gut when another demon pops up behind him. The new arrival sweeps his feet out from under him and slams him onto the ground. Before he knows what's happening, the hammer is coming straight for his face. Dean rolls away but the other demon is already working on pinning him again. Dean kicks out wildly as the demon struggles to pin his torso down. Not being able to fight against the demon's inhuman strength, Dean can only watch as the other demon brings her hammer towards his unprotected legs. As the hammer connects solidly with his knee, Dean doesn't even think about what he does next. Perhaps it's from instinct, from years of praying out for help whenever they were in shit too deep to handle on their own. Maybe it was from knowing that he would always go to him, and be there when he needed it. Or maybe, it was because when faced with dying, there was no one else Dean would rather have next to him. But when that hammer hit his knee, effectively smashing it and disabling it from use, Dean calls out, "CAS!"

Castiel goes rigid as he whips his head around to his name being called. He sees Dean on the ground not ten feet away, pinned by two demons as they bring a hammer down over his legs. Cas fights off what he knows is a memory threatening to overtake him as he rushes to Dean's side. But Cas can't hold them off for long. Cas first takes out the wild eyed demon with the hammer, slashing his blade across her throat. 

_And then he is sitting on a park bench, Dean is on another over to his right. He finds himself saying that he is not a hammer, that he has doubts._

The other demon swings out a fist, and Castiel dodges.

_Dean is standing on the street watching his mother seal a deal with the yellow eyed demon. Castiel reaches out a hand and places it on Dean's shoulder. Whether it is for comfort or to take him back to his own time-_

Castiel lands a blow to the demon's head, sending him reeling backwards.

_Castiel is standing over Dean, his face bloodied and swollen. "I need you," Dean says. Castiel drops his blade._

An angel joins the demon to help fight off Castiel.

_Castiel is surrounded by a ring of holy fire. He is telling Dean to run._

The angel scratches Castiel's cheek with her blade.

_Castiel is wearing hospital scrubs under his usual trenchcoat. They are standing in a dark garage. "Sorry, But I'd rather have you. Cursed or not."_

His blade finally lands in the angels heart, and he turns back to the demon.

_Dean is standing outside a hotel near a vending machine. "I'm praying, okay? So come on. Please."_

The demon snarls at Cas as he lands a blow to his head.

_They are standing in the green room. Castiel slams Dean against the wall, covering his mouth. Castiel is drawing the banishing sigil on the wall with his blood. He is disobeying his brothers- Choosing Dean over his family- but no, Dean is his family_

Castiel finally plunges his blade into the demons heart, just in time for an angel to go after Dean who is still sprawled on the ground unable to get up.

_They are in purgatory. Dean's smile when he finally finds him. They are hugging._

The memories come faster now.

_Lights crackle and pop as he breaks the door to the shed and lays eyes on Dean for the first time. "I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."_

_In an alley, rage and fear coursing through his veins. "I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me?"_

_Coming out of the strip club, Dean is laughing, his arm around Castiel_

_Dean smiling at him_

_Dean calling him family_

_Dean teaching him what it means to be human_

_Dean_

He fights off any threat that comes at him, battling through the memories, defending the man that he fell for- in more ways than one, until at last, there are no more threats. Castiel looks up, surprised. They had won. Gabriel is standing in front of the portal, looking out at all of his followers. 

"Huh. Guess I am leader material after all. Let's get these doors open, yeah?" And then he is pushing a button, and the angels are lighting up. They are smiling and laughing, and then they are disappearing- their wings having been returned as they fly to heaven.

Sam spots Dean and runs over to them. "Oh God, Dean, are you okay?"

Gabriel pops up next to them and reaches down towards Dean. "Oof, should learn to be more careful there, Dean-o." Dean sighs in relief as Gabriel heals him. Gabriel stands back up. "Now I don't want you to worry about a thing on our front. I've got these guys under control- they basically worship me. Who knew, right? Anywho-" He claps a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Hey, Sammy how's about I give you the grand ol' tour of heaven?" Sam opens his mouth to protest, but Gabe turns to Castiel and winks before transporting them both to heaven.

Dean sits up, feeling awkward. "So uh, thanks for helping out the cripple. You didn't have to, you know. Not even sure why I called..." He trails off.

Castiel looks him straight in the eyes, "I always come when you call, Dean."

Dean chokes a little before turning to look back up at Castiel. "What?"

Castiel places his hand on Dean's shoulder. "It wasn't your fault, Dean. It wasn't you. Do you know why I stepped in front of you, that night? It was because I knew if you were to harm Sam you would never have forgiven yourself when you came back from that. Because it wasn't you, it was the Mark. It was changing you into something you are against down to your very core. Did you know the First Blade is supposed to be unbreakable? I don't know how you did it, but the only way that blade would have broken is if, even in that state, part of you still rebelled against what you were becoming. I  _know_ you." He makes sure to emphasize that word. "You are a good man, as you have proven time and time again. And your good deeds far outweigh your mistakes."

Dean is shaking his head, "But-"

"NO," Castiel cuts him off. "Nothing you say or do will ever convince me otherwise." Castiel looks down at Dean as a warmth spreads through his body. Dean.  _His_ Dean, that he finally remembers. How could he ever have forgotten about him? "And now I am going to kiss you because I am tired of restraining myself, and you are going to let me and not run away and you are going to reciprocate and you are going to like it." 

Dean only has time to widen his eyes in shock before Castiel is pressing his mouth to his own. Dean's first instinct is to pull away, but he stops himself. This is Cas.  _His_ Cas. He can see it in his eyes, even if he hadn't of already told him as much. His Cas is here, and isn't mad at him, and is kissing him, and oh god how Dean has wanted to kiss him again. The desire to pull away is replaced by one that pulls Cas closer and into his lap, as he wraps his arms around Castiel's waist. 

They break away, smiling as they take in each others faces. This is the happiest he has seen Castiel in a very long time. Castiel's smile widens when he sees that Dean is not going anywhere, and pulls him into another, very long, very happy, kiss.


	20. Epilogue

Dean wakes up in the middle of the night, turning to glance at the clock on his bedside table. 3:43 A.M. Cas stirs sleepily beside him, reaching his arm out to wrap around Dean's waist before finally opening his eyes to peer up at Dean.

"It's morning already?" He mumbles sleepily. 

The corner of Dean's mouth tugs upwards into a smile. "No, no, go back to sleep." Dean moves his own hand up to Castiel's head, running his fingers through his soft hair.

Castiel hums contentedly, scooting closer and tangling his legs up with Dean's.

It had been a month since the fight at the portal and Gabriel had taken leadership over heaven. So far, he was doing a good job. There had been no more deaths, and the angel's had disbanded their rebel groups. 

Dean was by no means in acceptance of his time under the influence of the Mark of Cain, but Castiel helped him. Whenever Dean was feeling particularly crappy about himself, Cas was there to pull him back. To tell him all of the good things he has done, and tell him how much he means to Castiel. Castiel was there to just hold him when he needed it, or to stand by his side as he yelled to the sky and broke things. And in turn, Dean was there for Castiel. To show him what it means to be human, and to help him through when he was depressed about losing his wings. They just fit. Balanced each other out in a way no one else ever had.

Dean had been nervous when he went to tell Sam. But Sam had only rolled his eyes and said, "Finally."

They were happy, the three of them living in the bunker. They still went out on hunts, taking Cas along of course. But now they had a home, and a family that was for the moment- not dying. 

Of course, being in a... relationship? Or whatever it was that he and Cas had going on, scared the crap out of him. Both because of the extreme vulnerability that came with it, and because he had never been with a guy before. But the urge to turn tail and run away and never look back was not nearly as strong as his want and his need to stay with Cas. They were happy- this whatever the hell it was. So maybe he had no idea what on earth he was doing, but as long as it kept making both of them smile so damn much, Dean was okay to keep it up.

"Sleep, baby," Dean whispers again. His hand slides down from Castiel's hair to cup his face, smoothing a thumb across his stubble.

Cas smiles into the caress. "But if I sleep, this will go away," Castiel explains, reaching a hand up to cover Dean's hand on his face.

Dean's smile widens at that, and he brings his face down to gently press his lips to Castiel's. Castiel sighs again, nestling his face in Dean's neck and lightly kissing his throat. 

Dean puts one arm around Castiel, the other going back up to play with his hair. "I'll still be here when you wake up, you need to sleep." 

Castiel pulls back, looking at Dean as if to make sure he is telling the truth. Dean makes a noise of protest when Cas moves away from him, so Cas moves his face back to Dean's neck, this time wrapping his arms tightly around Dean, trapping him in his embrace. "You better be," He mumbles, sleep threatening to overtake him once again. 

Dean presses a kiss to Castiel's forehead. "I promise. I'm not leaving you." He begins stroking Cas's hair and back, humming as Castiel drifts back off to sleep. "I won't ever leave you again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. This was my very first Destiel fic, so I would really REALLY appreciate any and ALL comments you guys have on it, weather it's praise or you think it was complete and utter shit, I would love to know so that I can improve upon my writing. So constructive criticism is HIGHLY HIGHLY appreciated :D Thank you so much for reading, and for sticking with this til the end, it means a lot that you got to this point where you are actually reading this note :D So yeah... Personally I think I heaped a crap ton of CHEESE on the end here, so I'm a little unsure on how that worked out, so again, I would love to hear your comments. And thank you, so much :D


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